| Visitors Since 22nd April 2008:
|
Supermarket
Soap
Daily life
behind the
counter
www.supermarketsoap.co.uk
Contact Us | The
Store Manager | 31.08.08:
Delayed Supermarket Soap Unwashed, Nightmare Shifts, The Return Of
Sebastian, Mismatched Couples, Drunk Regulars Are Annoying, Sometimes
You Just Can't Help People, Don't Misquote Adverts At Me!, Lil Miss
Budwiser Head, and Yes, I Can Ban You Fans of Supermarket Soap Unwashed, due to events beyond my control at the weekend, Supermarket Soap Unwashed will be released late on Wednesday. Last night was just a nightmare from start to finish. Slaphead said to me that he felt the night went quickly, but then again he wasn't behind the counter serving every drunk in the area. Every single customer I served apart from the guy who patrols our complex to make sure there are no thieves or wierdos hanging around was drunk. There was a festival on in a field near our store, so people walked down to the store to try and get more alcohol or to buy food. All whilst very very drunk and some of the customers not understanding English. I'll get onto that later. I also had the pleasure of serving Sebastian. The guy used to work at our store and unfortunately is a prime example of what happens when the Poles that come over are not of the stereotypical hard working, willing to learn Poles. Ok, so Sebastian speaks reasonable English, but he is still prone to more misunderstandings than most of them. And forget using complex sentences on him. So he comes in and says "Hello Mister TSM, how are you?" I told him I was fine and asked how he was, and he shrugged. And then got the exact money out for his petrol which he had filled his car with. And then some more coins and said "Is ok about the change, you can have it" and walked off. I told him he had given me way too much and he said "Yeah, is fine, bye!" The guy is nice enough, his girlfriend is hot despite me being one of the few people on earth who think so, and he's annoyingly lazy, but hey, I do kind of miss him winding Andre The Android up. And I really miss Andre. Plus we had the most strangely matched couple I have ever seen last night. The guy was very gothic. Black piercings, long trenchcoat, black t-shirt and skinny black jeans. His girlfriend couldn't have been more different. Headscarf, tie dye t-shirt, and flares. It's sometimes wierd the people that you see together. It can be really surprising who gets together with who in the end. I have often seen very well spoken girls with guys who have shaved heads, rough accents and tattoos. I'm not quite judging, but it just seems a really strange combination of people to get together. Especially the goth and the hippy... And then we had two of our regulars in. One of which is a little bisexual guy who is obsessed by my watch, and the other was his best friend who is an alcoholic nurse who is in her 50s. The little bisexual guy is a really nice guy, but the nurse... OK, so she's nice too, but she annoys me. I have yet to see her sober, and I have seen her at all times of the day and night. It annoys me because my sister is a nurse and works really hard to do what she does. So, they come up together, both absolutely smashed, and giggling. And I knew things were going to be bad when he said "Come on, just get in there!" and she screamed "That's what you said to me last night Colin!" Too. Much. Information. And then there was the fact he kept trying to persuade me to trim my beard. Despite the fact that he offered to cut it, and invited me to his place to trim it, I had to forcefully decline his offer. Namely because he kept on and on about it. And also because I like my ZZ Top look beard. But of course sometimes we get the customers that you cannot help, no matter what you do. And last night I really had one of those. The thing is, what he needed was essential, and we didn't have exactly what he wanted. Now, what I am about to say may be a little biased, but this is for personal reasons which are staying personal! Until Supermarket Soap Unwashed. So this guy struts in, which made me take an instant dislike to him. Then when he reaches the counter he slams his hands down onto it and says "Got any Johnnys mate?" So I point him in the direction of them, because, well, I am not going to take another guy to where the condoms are kept. He goes there, and is there for like 5 minutes. So long that he needed a consultation with his mate who came in with him. After 5 minutes I go and see what they are doing in case they are shovelling packs of condoms into their pockets. Instead there are three of them examining the shelves. We sell one size pack of condoms and that is it. He says "Got anything smaller than a 12 pack?" I told him we didn't and he settles for it. Now, the 12 packs cost over a tenner, and this upsets him. He yells "Ten pound ninety eight? Rip off mate! I ain't paying that!" So I take the condoms and put them behind the counter. And then suddenly he realises he needs them and says "No no no, give them here mate!" I explain he either has to pay for them or can't have them. After a stream of swearing he agrees that he needs them and pays for them. But the funniest part of it was that as he left I heard him say "This is either going to really work out, or I just wasted eleven quid." I sincerely hope it was the latter. I also had to deal with this really annoying woman who had walked a mile from the festival into the store. She realised her situation of walking from the festival to the store to get food when she didn't live far from the festival was similar to an advert where a woman lives in the country and goes to London to buy a magazine. So she kept singing "Where are we going? To get Heat magazine!" Now, I am a huge fan of adverts, and often I really don't care if people repeat them. Even if it's over and over again. But what I do hate is when they misquote them! The woman in the advert goes "Where are we going kids? We're going to London, to get heat magazine, we're going to London, to get Heat magazine" This little drunk woman sang it everytime she did something. And giggled. Plus I had this girl who I was so tempted to ban. She was so annoying. She annoyed me when I saw her because she had a pint glass in one hand, and a Budwiser box on her head. So first she tried to buy a packet of cigarettes, and then realised she was actually over 2 pounds short of what she needed. So she tried to steal the cigarettes. When she realised, she threw the money on the counter and said "It's almost enough" and grabbed the cigarettes. I could see it was just 70p, so I slapped my hand on top of hers. She pulled her hand away, without the cigarettes and yelled "That really hurt! I'm gonna get you done for assault!" I then pointed out she was welcome to, but she had tried to steal the cigarettes and I was protecting our stock. She realised I was right and then went off to get more money from her friend Pete. Except she didn't know where he was so she wandered aimlessly around the store yelling "Pete!" at the top of her voice over and over again. For 5 minutes. Pete ended up paying for her cigarettes, and after she argued with me over a small matter, he threw the cigarettes at her, and told her in rather blue terms to get lost. But the best was to come. She tried to steal a sandwich, and was then brought back by her friends, made to appologise, and then dragged out of the store. Lastly we had the biggest idiot of the night near the end of the night. He strutted to the counter and said "Good day sir, you will fetch me 20 B and H Silver." So I got them for him, muttering under my breath what I thought of the guy. And then he said "Are these free" and held up his chicken and mushroom slice he had. I told him he wasn't, so he picked up a chocolate bar and said "Is this buy one get one free?" I told him it wasn't. His girlfriend told him to stop, and I told him that he should listen to her. He gave this massive laugh and said "Why on earth should I listen to a little peasent like you or a whore like her?" I grinned and said "Because if you don't, this will be your last trip here because I'll ban you." He gave another laugh and said "What can you do to enforce that? I'll just come back in a few weeks and you won't remember me!" I laughed and said "Unfortunately sir, I have a photographic memory, I will remember you, and I'll just call the police to drag you away. Now, do you want to start behaving like a civilised member of society?" He decided that maybe he would, and appologised for how he had behave before. Then explained he had drunk 14 pints of beer. I smiled and said "Perfectly understandable sir." Permalink | |
Podcasts 16th August 17th August 18th August - coming soon! 19th August 20th August 21st August Supermarket Soap Unwashed Episode 1 25th August 26th August 27th August 29th August 31st August Archives April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 Blogroll Vandaweb Simple Man, Simple Thoughts The Purple Blug |