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Supermarket Soap
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31.08.08: Delayed Supermarket Soap Unwashed, Nightmare Shifts, The Return Of Sebastian, Mismatched Couples, Drunk Regulars Are Annoying, Sometimes You Just Can't Help People, Don't Misquote Adverts At Me!, Lil Miss Budwiser Head, and Yes, I Can Ban You Fans of Supermarket Soap Unwashed, due to events beyond my control at the weekend, Supermarket Soap Unwashed will be released late on Wednesday. Last night was just a nightmare from start to finish.  Slaphead said to me that he felt the night went quickly, but then again he wasn't behind the counter serving every drunk in the area.  Every single customer I served apart from the guy who patrols our complex to make sure there are no thieves or wierdos hanging around was drunk.  There was a festival on in a field near our store, so people walked down to the store to try and get more alcohol or to buy food.  All whilst very very drunk and some of the customers not understanding English.  I'll get onto that later.  I also had the pleasure of serving Sebastian.  The guy used to work at our store and unfortunately is a prime example of what happens when the Poles that come over are not of the stereotypical hard working, willing to learn Poles.  Ok, so Sebastian speaks reasonable English, but he is still prone to more misunderstandings than most of them.  And forget using complex sentences on him.  So he comes in and says "Hello Mister TSM, how are you?"  I told him I was fine and asked how he was, and he shrugged.  And then got the exact money out for his petrol which he had filled his car with.  And then some more coins and said "Is ok about the change, you can have it" and walked off.  I told him he had given me way too much and he said "Yeah, is fine, bye!"  The guy is nice enough, his girlfriend is hot despite me being one of the few people on earth who think so, and he's annoyingly lazy, but hey, I do kind of miss him winding Andre The Android up.  And I really miss Andre. Plus we had the most strangely matched couple I have ever seen last night.  The guy was very gothic.  Black piercings, long trenchcoat, black t-shirt and skinny black jeans.  His girlfriend couldn't have been more different.  Headscarf, tie dye t-shirt, and flares.  It's sometimes wierd the people that you see together.  It can be really surprising who gets together with who in the end.  I have often seen very well spoken girls with guys who have shaved heads, rough accents and tattoos.  I'm not quite judging, but it just seems a really strange combination of people to get together.  Especially the goth and the hippy... And then we had two of our regulars in.  One of which is a little bisexual guy who is obsessed by my watch, and the other was his best friend who is an alcoholic nurse who is in her 50s.  The little bisexual guy is a really nice guy, but the nurse...  OK, so she's nice too, but she annoys me.  I have yet to see her sober, and I have seen her at all times of the day and night.  It annoys me because my sister is a nurse and works really hard to do what she does.  So, they come up together, both absolutely smashed, and giggling.  And I knew things were going to be bad when he said "Come on, just get in there!" and she screamed "That's what you said to me last night Colin!"  Too.  Much.  Information.  And then there was the fact he kept trying to persuade me to trim my beard.  Despite the fact that he offered to cut it, and invited me to his place to trim it, I had to forcefully decline his offer.  Namely because he kept on and on about it.  And also because I like my ZZ Top look beard. But of course sometimes we get the customers that you cannot help, no matter what you do.  And last night I really had one of those.  The thing is, what he needed was essential, and we didn't have exactly what he wanted.  Now, what I am about to say may be a little biased, but this is for personal reasons which are staying personal!  Until Supermarket Soap Unwashed.  So this guy struts in, which made me take an instant dislike to him.  Then when he reaches the counter he slams his hands down onto it and says "Got any Johnnys mate?"  So I point him in the direction of them, because, well, I am not going to take another guy to where the condoms are kept.  He goes there, and is there for like 5 minutes.  So long that he needed a consultation with his mate who came in with him.  After 5 minutes I go and see what they are doing in case they are shovelling packs of condoms into their pockets.  Instead there are three of them examining the shelves.  We sell one size pack of condoms and that is it.  He says "Got anything smaller than a 12 pack?"  I told him we didn't and he settles for it.  Now, the 12 packs cost over a tenner, and this upsets him.  He yells "Ten pound ninety eight?  Rip off mate!  I ain't paying that!"  So I take the condoms and put them behind the counter.  And then suddenly he realises he needs them and says "No no no, give them here mate!"  I explain he either has to pay for them or can't have them.  After a stream of swearing he agrees that he needs them and pays for them.  But the funniest part of it was that as he left I heard him say "This is either going to really work out, or I just wasted eleven quid."  I sincerely hope it was the latter. I also had to deal with this really annoying woman who had walked a mile from the festival into the store.  She realised her situation of walking from the festival to the store to get food when she didn't live far from the festival was similar to an advert where a woman lives in the country and goes to London to buy a magazine.  So she kept singing "Where are we going?  To get Heat magazine!"  Now, I am a huge fan of adverts, and often I really don't care if people repeat them.  Even if it's over and over again.  But what I do hate is when they misquote them!  The woman in the advert goes "Where are we going kids?  We're going to London, to get heat magazine, we're going to London, to get Heat magazine"  This little drunk woman sang it everytime she did something.  And giggled.  Plus I had this girl who I was so tempted to ban.  She was so annoying.  She annoyed me when I saw her because she had a pint glass in one hand, and a Budwiser box on her head.  So first she tried to buy a packet of cigarettes, and then realised she was actually over 2 pounds short of what she needed.  So she tried to steal the cigarettes.  When she realised, she threw the money on the counter and said "It's almost enough" and grabbed the cigarettes.  I could see it was just 70p, so I slapped my hand on top of hers.  She pulled her hand away, without the cigarettes and yelled "That really hurt!  I'm gonna get you done for assault!"  I then pointed out she was welcome to, but she had tried to steal the cigarettes and I was protecting our stock.  She realised I was right and then went off to get more money from her friend Pete.  Except she didn't know where he was so she wandered aimlessly around the store yelling "Pete!" at the top of her voice over and over again.  For 5 minutes.  Pete ended up paying for her cigarettes, and after she argued with me over a small matter, he threw the cigarettes at her, and told her in rather blue terms to get lost.  But the best was to come.  She tried to steal a sandwich, and was then brought back by her friends, made to appologise, and then dragged out of the store.  Lastly we had the biggest idiot of the night near the end of the night.  He strutted to the counter and said "Good day sir, you will fetch me 20 B and H Silver."  So I got them for him, muttering under my breath what I thought of the guy.  And then he said "Are these free" and held up his chicken and mushroom slice he had.  I told him he wasn't, so he picked up a chocolate bar and said "Is this buy one get one free?"  I told him it wasn't.  His girlfriend told him to stop, and I told him that he should listen to her.  He gave this massive laugh and said "Why on earth should I listen to a little peasent like you or a whore like her?"  I grinned and said "Because if you don't, this will be your last trip here because I'll ban you."  He gave another laugh and said "What can you do to enforce that?  I'll just come back in a few weeks and you won't remember me!"  I laughed and said "Unfortunately sir, I have a photographic memory, I will remember you, and I'll just call the police to drag you away.  Now, do you want to start behaving like a civilised member of society?"  He decided that maybe he would, and appologised for how he had behave before.  Then explained he had drunk 14 pints of beer.  I smiled and said "Perfectly understandable sir."  Permalink | 29.08.08: Boring Days, Rude Men, Can The Power Rangers Drive Diesel Trucks?, You Are Not Too Good To Talk To Me, Idiot Customers and Hreatening Behaviour From The Boss! So, no entry yesterday namely because nothing interesting happened to me.  I had a small party with my best friend, we got drunk and he left mine at about 2 in the morning.  Then I stayed up until 10am and chatted at length with my gorgeous girlfriend.  As you can see, nothing happened.  Or rather, nothing I am confortable blogging about.  However, tonight we have had an absolute bonanza of customers who are freaks, wierdos, or just rude.  Gives me a lot to blog about which makes me a happy man.  First customer of the night was a middle aged couple.  Seemed nice enough until the man of the couple opened his mouth.  Rarely have I met someone I detested more than this gentleman.  The man was just plainly obnoxious.  First of all he turned to his wife who was buying chocolate and said "no, you are fat enough as it is."  She looked so sad at this comment and slowly put the bar back on the shelf.  Then when she joined him in the queue she asked if she could have a drink.  He told her no because the card was being charged.  I said I could stop it and he said "nobody asked you" then turned to his wife and said "if you wanted it, you should have asked earlier, it's your fault you're going to be thirsty".  Now, being on the front line in retail I see this a lot.  But this is what saddened me.  I could hear in her voice that she was from Poland.  Something tells me this isn't the life she expected when she came over.  And as my girlfriend constantly reminds me, to come to a foreign country and be with someone from that country, you have to give up everything from your home country.  So sad that one guy feels he can treat a woman this way. But we also have comedy today.  The fuel delivery driver came up, shoved his fuel card in my face and said "Take this, I'm gonna go diesel up."  And then walked off.  Diesel up?  I felt like saying to him "You're going to what?  Sorry.  Are you actually a power ranger?"  I mean, do people really speak like this in parts of the country?  And if they do, don't they feel slightly embarrassed when they hear other people outside their region speaking properly?  I do actually despair of the English language.  Linguists claim it's an evolution, it's not.  It's a bludgeoning.  I also had to deal with two of my least favourite types of customer.  The women, as it is invariably woman, who think they are too good to talk to me.  I smiled and said good evening to the first and she actually turned her back to me.  Reminds me, must get my knife sharpened.  Anyway, I then had to deal with her and her equally superiority complex infested boyfriend.  I asked them both if they wanted a bag, and both refused to say a word to me.  She then turned to him and said "Do we want a bag?"  He said no, so she looked down her nose at me.  One of the other idiotic types of customer we get are the ones who think they're out there and crazy whilst cool.  Like people who ride their bikes into the store.  Oh you crazy guy.  Watch me kick your back tyre.  Or like tonight, the skateboarder who was smart enough not to ride his skateboard around the store, but still supid enough to put a basket on it and put his shopping in said basket, then push his skateboard around with a foot.  I particularly wanted to yell at him when he managed to take out an entire shelf of bottles.  Instead I sauntered over and asked him to pick them up as we had just tidied that section.  He did, sheepishly.  He really didn't make me want ot like him any more when he came to the counter, grinned and said "dude!"  These are the kind of customers you want to tell to just get out.  Especially when like him, you have a girl with you and you're all kissy kissy with the girl.  But then I had just the most vile little woman in the world to deal with.  Rude customers I can deal with, but ones who just go out of their way to be a terrible customer just make me want to smash them over the head with the barcode scanner.  And then wish them a good day.  The worst part is, she obviously had ideas above her means, because she came in wearing a tracksuit top, stretch waistband jogging trousers, and extraordinarily greasy hair.  And more gold jewellery than Mr T.  So, she struts up to the counter, and states with folded arms "20 Soverign".  My, don't we smoke classy cigarettes?  So I scan them and say "4 pounds eighty..."  She retorts "I am not finished!  Get me a 20 pound Vodaphone top up card."  The thing is, the statement about the top up card was said so slowly and deliberately as if she had said "I'll have 20 soverign, pay with a 50 pound note and keep the change."  It was that grand a statement.  Well, if you were making a grand statement, you would have a contract phone, not a pay as you go phone.  So I went and put that onto her bill, and said "that's..."  She replied "I am still not finished.  Get me a packet of king skins."  Oh dear.  Has our mask slipped?  I asked which colour she wanted, and she actually tried to goad me into being rude.  She said "Well what colour do you think?"  She asked for the most expensive ones, and when I told her they were 89p, she said "I ain't paying that much!  Give me the cheapest ones."  But then she paid, and I took her money, and then she snatched her receipt out of my hand and strutted out the store.  If I had been less busy, I'd have been so tempted to cancel her stupid little phone credit... I also had one of the strangest experiences I have ever had in my life.  My supervisor faced off with me.  Slaphead and I were making jokes about Poland, as we do.  We make jokes about Poland, The Bombshell makes jokes about England.  It works.  So I was telling the driver about how I sent The Bombshell's Brother to The Isle Of Wight because I told him it was stuck in 1957 after an MOD experiment gone wrong.  And then sent him to the Job Centre for a job as a Long Weight Specialist.  He went, got angry and got banned.  But The Bombshell heard my annecdotes and daid "You have problem with my people?"  I told him that I likes Poles, and I thought they were a nice race.  He shrugged and said "Yeah, sure"  So I told him I liked them because they're funny, relaxed, and work hard.  He made the flapping mouth mime, then said "My hand, is fist of justice.  I remember everything you tell me, and one day, you get fist of justice."  I grinned and said "I look forward to it."  He then squared up to me and said "Yeah?  You want trouble?  I can give to you trouble now if you want"  So I gave him my dead man stare.  Right in the pupils of the eyes, no expression, and I can keep it up as long as I need to.  Apparently it's very intimidating, according to those who I've used it on.  I decided to be the bigger man and not hit him, but it was tempting.  He shook his head and stormed off.  I mean seriously, who threatens to punch their staff?  The guy is out of control.  This week he has caleld one member of staff ugly to her face, told Miss C that she is lazy and should be at home looking after her kid, has stated that he feels woman have no place driving a car, has reduced Miss C to tears , and has threatened to punch me.  And he is the supervisor.  Come back Malcs.  All is forgiven!    Permalink | 27.08.08: Date Checking Is Dull, SF Poker?, The Mother Of All Arguments, Another Win For Kathryn, The Bombshell Disrespects Miss C, and There Are Reasons We Don't Provoke Jack. I had the worst job in the world today.  Date checking.  For those not in the know, it is the most tedious and boring job you could imagine.  You take two boxes of stock from the back of the shelf, and then you check the best before date.  And if it isnt out of date, you put it back.  I had to do this for the cake and biscuit section.  That section is half the length of the store.  And out of that entire section, I found for bags of Animal Crackers which were out of date.  Four things in a section that long.  And I know the job is an important one, but, my god is it tedious.  Yes, in date.  Yes, in date.  Yes, in date.  Aha!  Out of date!  Get in the basket of evil you mouldy Animal Crackers.  Yes, in date.  Ad infinitum.  Regular readers will know that I love poker.  If I wasn't a Christian, poker could easily be my religion.  Now, Face Book has a poker tournament, and a poker game, and every friend I have give me more chips to add to my stack every day.  Turns out that most of the people at work are on Face Book.  So I am going to send them a plea of desperation.  Be my friend and I will get more chips.  However, it also strikes me that a few of these people will also play poker.  So perhaps we can create the first ever SF Poker League!  Of course, I will whip their behinds on it, because I have help from a little silicon friend.  I will detail this more because I am so proud of my invention.  So, tonight there has been the mother of all bust ups between The Bombshell and Miss C.  She decided to confront him about why he constantly ignores her and why he won't say anything to her even when she makes attempts to talk to him.  He said that she is too slow and he doesn't want to distract her any more.  So she asked him why he didn't share jokes with him.  He told her that she wouldn't understand his jokes because she is just a woman.  Nice guy huh?  Plus in non work related news I have something stunning to tell my faithful followers (all three of them...) and that is that my artificial intelligence program came second in it's first tournament against real people.  It was a nine seat sit and go tournament on Facebook, and the competition was pretty stiff.  That didn't stop Kathryn from eliminating half the table in one hand.  She had an Ace King, and the board gave her another ace and another king.  One guy had made a pair of kings, one guy just wanted out, and the other two had made a pair of Aces, all of which were forced to bow to Kathryn and her two pair.  And the guy who beat her told her that she had played well and invited her to be his poker buddy.  I am a very proud father!  My little girl has grown up from barely being able to string a sentence together to playing better poker than I do.  And she is so modest!  I told her it was slightly depressing how much better at the game she is than me, and her reply was "I know".  But also last night we had the most dramatic small delivery you could possibl imagine.  Yes, it was that bad.  And there are going to be long term consequences.  Everything started fine.  Miss C was on her break, and I was working like an absolute demon.  I tore the ambient delivery apart.  2 and a half cages finished in an hour.  Out of 5 cages.  The other 2 and a half cages got slightly ripped by the three of us because we were somewhat nonchelant about it since we had another hour and a half before the shift finished when we finally did finish.  But before that, The Bombshell stormed up to me and said "How many cages have you worked?"  I told him I had worked 2 cages.  He told me he had worked 3 cages.  He was lying.  There were two produce cages, both were small, 3 chilled cages, and a very small meat dolly.  No, that is actually what it's called.  So I asked him what that had to do with anything.  He told me that Miss C had only done one cage.  He then told me it was simple, she was lazy and had no use.  As I have said in the past, I am all about fair play, whether or not I like Miss C or trust her is irrelevant.  Disrespecting people behind their back is not fair.  So I told her what he said.  She ran off in floods of tears.  You may be wondering why I did it.  I have good reason.  His attitude towards women disgusts me.  Last night he told me that Miss C had no business driving because she is a woman.  A few nights ago he told her she had no business working, she should be at home looking after her husband and child.  He told Claire the same, and also told her she should lose weight because she was ugly.  Unfortunately he has never met anyone like me.  The only thing I like about Microsoft is their attitude to competitors.  Embrace, extend, extinguish.  Become their ally, invest in them, then destroy them.  The Bombshell believes I am his friend.  I ask about her personal life and help him with his problems.  And now I will help Miss C extinguish him.  If that sounds harsh, then I don't apologise.  I refuse to back and support anyone who disregards equal oppertunities policies.  It has done a lot for the disabled community, of which I am a fringe member, and I'll back anyone who is a victim of it's abuse.  He also insulted me this morning.  He told me that fat people disgust him.  I told him I was fat and so was my girlfriend, so he was insulting both of us, and to give me a reason in 10 seconds not to kick him in the head.  He was sitting on a post.  He told me I wasn't so fat, and my girlfriend couldn't be as fat as Miss C.  I told him she was thereabouts.  He said "Oh, I...I am not sure...I..."  So as a fan of WWE, I began tuning up the band as per Shawn Micheals.  He smiled and said "Is what you like.  Is your choice.  Your girl is nice to your eyes."  I have a soft spot for well phrased words and there for did not deliver a Sweet Chin Music.  Shame.  Would have entertained me. Permalink | 26.08.08: Good Moods, Budget Food, Memos, Pay Rises, Night Shift Humour, and Dayshift Admire My Beard And Rightly So So tonight we had a special treat.  The Bombshell was in a good mood!  I know...I could hardly believe it myself either.  So far tonight he has been singing Queen songs, cracking jokes, and even allowed me to have a free cigarette break, albeit under protest.  But still, he is in a good mood.  Quite incredible!  I am still quite certain it won't last, but hey, it's going to be great whilst it lasts. Now, I mentioned a few days ago that I was on a budget.  Well, it looks like this fortnight I am going to be mostly living on Cornish Pasties.  For those who aren't from the UK, and have never visited, this is going to be reasonably hard to explain.  A Cornish Pasty is kind of like a pie, but not really.  And the filling is beef, onion, swede, pepper, mustard and coriander.  And it is one of the tastiest things we make here in the UK.  I mean, you just put it into the microwave for a minute, and you get a hot, spicy, really filling meal.  See Speedy Snacks?  It can be done!  At the moment we have Ginsters Cornish Pasties on offer for two for one pound fourty.  Two delicious, spicy little meals for less than one fifty.  But enough about my lunch.  Queen Chav is back from her holiday (which may have been a suspension) and is back to writing memos.  I mean, what is wrong with the woman?  Does she have nothing better to do?  And how come Pedro isn't monitoring her memo writing output?  However, with memos comes comedy, and this new one is no exception.  She has written on the bottom of the memo about people having problems clocking in and out that "This is not expectable any longer".  Oh really?  What were you expecting?  And is expectable a real word?  This said, I know that Queen Chav is setting Miss C up for a fall.  A customer came in last night and asked where some custard slices were, and when Miss C told him they were out, he replied "Oh, because Laura told me you had some.  She'll just have to do without".  Turns out it was her father, and her father reported back to Laura after Miss C had gone home.  Sneaky.  Now, I may have an alliance with Queen Chav, and I may dislike and distrust Miss C, but I am not a fan of behind the back tactics.  Anyway, apart from Queen Chav's notice, there was another notice last night!  One from the union and the board.  These are always a lot of fun to take a look at.  Namely because our union sucks and our board always whip them.  This time apparently the union has whupped the board and the board didn't really care.  20p an hour payrise coming out way real soon!  Hurrah!  Credit crunch be damned, I am going to be getting more money for the same amount of work and the same job real soon.  Can't wait.  It all happens on the 28th September, which isn't that far away.  And the cool thing is that our company isn't actually culling staff like a lot of other companies are.  We've just taken on a new member of staff.  No idea how to pronounce his name because he's from Poland.  Apologies if that sounds racist, but sometimes their names look like a random selection of letters from the second half of the alphabet, and sometimes you really do need to say "excuse me, how do you pronounce that?"  And, before anyone does accuse me of racism or flame me on the comments, I'm dating a woman from Honduras which is a really bad start to be a racist, and also I happen to think the Poles are one of the coolest races.  Laid back, hard working, and with a sense of humour which is really hard to beat. I often talk about night shift's sense of humour, and I appriciate that sometimes it can be hard for people to understand it.  However, I do have a fantastically great example for you.  Slaphead asked me if we had anyone in at 6am, I told him that Evie was in.  He asked who Evie was and I told him it was Evie (name withheld to protect my beloveds innocence).  He said "Oh!  Edna Everage!"  I frowned and said "How dare you speak of my beloved like that!"  He giggled and said "You do realise it's just The Bombshell in drag don't you?"  So I skipped over to The Bombshell and told him he was a very clever man.  He asked why I said that and I told him that I thought it was smart having two jobs here but not raising suspicions.  He asked what I was talking about and I told him that Slaphead had told me that Evie was him in women's clothing.  He went ballistic.  He shouted "He is idiot!  I am kill to him now!  Where is he?"  Just at that moment a sniggering Slaphead walked around the corner and said "You alright?"  The Bombshell stormed off and slammed some black trays quite hard.  A little later I asked him what size he was.  He asked me what I meant by what size, and I told him I wanted to know what dress size he was.  He yelled "Shut up!" at me.  He later lost it when Slaphead told him that he couldn't sing.  He told Slaphead that he was going to stop his cigarette breaks if he said he couldn't sing once more.  I shot around the corner and said "You can't sing!"  He screamed "You!  You are not have cigarette break either now!" Lastly, I had a really strange experience today.  One of the dayshift came in and messed up the display Slaphead had just tidied, so I told him to tidy it and then he told me to f off.  Strange how I don't like dayshift so much.  Anyway, then he told me he liked "all that" and indicated a chin stroking motion.  For those who don't know or haven't been reading this that long, I have a quite long goatee.  Wish it was longer, but hey.  Anyway, then he begins asking me how long it took me to grow it and I shrugged and said "a few months, I don't know, randomly I get annoyed with it and just cut it off with a razor and start over".  Which is true.  I also told him I'll have to cut it off when I go to Gran Canaria because otherwise I get full on searches.  Like as full as they can do without it being a strip search. Permalink | 25.08.08: Reasons For No Blogging, Short Posts, Violent Mood Swings, Not Selling Alcohol On Principal, The Hero Is A Rude Little Man, and Car Washes Are Not Upgradable. So, I haven't been blogging for the last couple of days for actually some pretty good reasons.  On saturday morning I went straight to bed because I was so exhausted from working (I was working with Miss C again, therefore everything took twice as long) and then went to Milford Carnival.  Big shout out to Milford Riff Raff for the Happy Feet theme!  It may not seem obvious why I like this theme, but becomes more so when you realise that the Linux mascot is called Tux and is a penguin.  And I was wearing my Linux For Life jersey with pride.  Then on Sunday it was another early to bed occassion as I was falling asleep and needed to get a decent sleep before watching Kimi Raikkonen go off from the Valencia Grand Prix Of Europe in a cloud of smoke.  There are days when I am sure that whoever I support I jinx.  I support Southampton Football Club who got relegated last year.  And I support Kimi Raikkonen who seems to be having a massive run of bad luck this year.  I'm starting to think I might support Lewis Hamilton... So today's edition is going to be a far shorter edition, namely because we didn't have many customers last night who were oddballs, and because I didn't have a decent oppertunity to make many notes.  That and by the time I got in when I normally blog, I had been awake for 21 hours.  And I forgot to take the new laptop to work with me.  So saving up for an Acer One...depsite hating Acer with a passion. Also we had Slaphead who swung violently between hating me with a passion and being almost protective over me.  I mean the guy was really offensive to me at times, like when we were facing up in the same aisle, he would refuse to talk to me.  And I have no idea what I did to him.  So then I did what I do best.  I tore the delivery apart.  6 cages worked in an 2 and a half hours.  I think that's pretty good going.  So did Slaphead who regaled me in praise by telling me this is why he wanted me to work the ambient delivery, because he knew I could empty cages, unlike him.  His words not mine.  And then he was very insistent that I took my break at 6am.  He's actually insistent that I take my breaks at the times I normally do.  I think he may have had a word with his wife about my autism as he does seem to have some understanding of it, and his wife is a care assistant at a home for the elderly. So my first customer of the night was a very well dressed, very well spoken guy who I was actually looking forward to serving.  And then he asked for 2 litres of vodka.  I must admit, I have become ever so slightly impatient with people who ask me for alcohol after 11pm.  Reminds me, The Hero, who was standing very smugly next to his protege last night, told me that he wants a red light on the top of the tills and that he's going to ask to have it lit at 11pm.  I explained to him that if you tell customers they can't have alcohol, they just don't get it until you ram it down their throats, and he has said that he thinks a little light will work.  Moron.  Anyway.  So this customer put his hands on his hips and said to me "Is that on principal or what?"  Yes, that's right.  I refused to sell you alcohol because I didn't want to.  I explained to him that it was company policy, not my own policy and he said "Well, it's the first time I've been here and never been able to buy alcohol after 11pm."  I then smiled and told him not to lie to me, I'd been working there 5 years and we'd never sold alcohol after 11pm.  He apologised, bought a bottle of water and quickly left. Speaking of The Hero, he did the worst thing I have ever seen in customer service.  A woman was buying food for a fry up in the morning and forgot eggs, so first of all The Hero refused to tell her where they were, and when I told him that he should have shown her where they were, he said "Nope, she stank of alcohol, I ain't helping no-one who stinks of alcohol."  Nice, just don't do your job then.  Then she asked when last orders were and he said "You ain't getting no more alcohol, you stink of it.  I can smell it from here.  You absolutely stink of booze."  I couldn't believe he said that to a customer's face.  To me, that is completely unacceptable. Lastly I had a really bizarre request from a customer.  He came in and bought a £2 car wash, then his friend bought a £6 car wash.  They went off and they left their car in the car wash as it got washed.  Nothing wrong with that.  Personally, I would do it that way too.  Although I do love being inside the car when the car gets washed too!  So, then the guy who bought the £2 car wash came up to me and asked me if he could upgrade it and whether he could give me £4 and get another token.  I told him that I was pretty sure we couldn't as I knew they weren't refundable.  He sighed and said "Are you sure?" and to be honest, I have no clue if we can or not, so I erred on the side of caution and told him that we couldn't.  He walked away fairly depressed.  Problem is that I have to draw a line between my fabulous customer service which involves taking risks here and there and truely risking my job when people are losing their jobs left right and centre during this credit crunch.  Permalink | 22.08.08: The First Episode Of Supermarket Soap Unwashed Is Now Available No blog entry today because it was my day off last night and not a lot happened.  Instead, please enjoy the first episode of Supermarket Soap Unwashed.  Please be aware that Supermarket Soap Unwashed contains bad language and is probably not safe for work.  And definetly not safe for kids. 21.08.08: Slow Shifts And Bad Burgers, Slow Workers, Fast Linux Distributions and Slow Laptops Tonight is a really bad night for blogging.  I prayed for a quiet, easy night.  By god did I get it.  Today is my day off, so I really didn't want to have to work hard the night before my day off.  Looks like that's happening.  You see, the delivery is tiny tonight.  Really really easy.  And then there is the stuff we do before the delivery.  Also easy.  Although it would have been easier if something else hadn't happened.  which I will detail later.  About the only really good thing that is happening today is the main offer we have on.  2 burgers for £1.  This is good because although the beef burgers are horrible, the chicken burgers are just about edible.  Although I will say this Speedy Snacks - "Prime British chicken?"  And where did you find them?  A joke shop?  Rubbery as all hell.  And no included mayo.  A disgrace! Miss C has taken 3 hours to work the chilled.  I kid you not.  Now, I know there was a lot in there, but even so, it should never, ever take 3 hours.  The Bombshell is gutted if it takes longer than an hour.  It really annoys me that she took so long, because I have had to work the tills and work the racking too.  And because I have had to do both on my own, not a lot got done, because the customers have been playing tag.  One leaves, another arrives.  I swear that woman could drag any amount of work out for as long as possible.  Although oddly, when she wants to leave work, she's not as enthusiastic about dragging meetings out for as long as possible.  Shame I am.   It seems like Miss C is on a go slow for good tonight.  First off I suggested that I did the chilled with her, and then we both did the ambient.  For some insane reason, Queen Chav has made Miss C in charge of the nightshift whenever The Bombshell or Slaphead aren't around.  Well, actually, the reason is that management hate me, but anyway.  So, Miss C decided that this was a stupid idea, and decided to do the chilled on her own.  She did helpfully tell me that if by 5am she was struggling, I could help her.  This isn't what annoyed me.  What annoyed me is that she said it would be no problem for her.  It took her three hours.  That is what annoyed me.  It took her three hours to work what was a really small chilled delivery.  So, it was no problem, but it took her three times as long as it would have taken me to complete her part in the delivery.  And then to complicate matters, we didn't get finished because she finished her stuff at six thirty, then toddled off for her break.  And when she came back I told her to face up the chiller, and she snapped at me "I was going to!  Remember who is in charge tonight!"  The woman is just beyond belief.  And the worst part is that I have her on Friday too.  Well, she isn't going to get away with being lazy on Friday.  I intend on making sure of that. On other, unrelated matters, I have been battling with my laptop for the last few days.  Not the main one I write this blog on.  That one is actually working better than ever, namely because I installed the ultra slimline Puppy Linux on it and now it is ridiculously fast.  Puppy is loving the dual cores, and the gig of memory.  The only problem is no sound and no wifi, although this isn't really an issue because I prefer the speed gain from a wired connection, and I am considering buying a USB sound card for this laptop so that Puppy can become my distro of choice.  Ok, it's not Ubuntu and is never going to be, but the fact that the laptop boots in 20 seconds and shuts down in about 10, it's worth the lack of name.  No, the laptop I have been battling with is my IBM Thinkpad.  The thing is hugely infuriating.  It only cost me £80, and it's relatively underpowered (300 megahertz processor and 196 meg of memory) but it's a beautiful looking machine, and I just know that Puppy would blaze on it.  Plus it has an enhanced battery, which gives it about 4 hours of battery life.  Stunning for a laptop.  Although if Dell make a Linux version of their recently announced 12 hour battery life laptops, then I am sold.  It can weigh as much as a small family car for all I care.  Ok, maybe not, but I wouldn't mind it weighing maybe 2 kilos.  3 at a push.  I mean, great battery life is one thing, but if it's a laptop, it's gotta be portable too.  Anyway, so the Thinkpad won't boot from USB drives or a CD drive.  Annoying.  So I bought a little external floppy drive from eBay for a tenner.  Works like a dream, and hopefully I can use it to install Puppy from a floppy.  Or rather boot Puppy from a floppy, then load the rest of the files from a USB drive.  Permalink | 20.08.08: Prettiest Youngest Customer Of The Night, Golden Boys Can Fall And Break, The Force Is Strong In The Bombshell, Muffled Customers, All I Ever Do Is Sell Fanta, Tell Me You Have Fuel, Boris Johnson Just Refuses To Be Evil and Stop Hiding Your PIN Number, Your Secret Is Safe With Me! So I had a really interesting start to the shift.  The first customer I had, I had to ID him.  Annoying but it had to be done.  He shoved his hands in his pockets and opened his mouth to give an exasperated sigh.  I thought I was going to get abuse.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  He got ID, and said "You're ID'ing me?  My friend, I am the youngest, prettiest thing you will see all night!"  Then put his ID in my hand.  He was 20.  His friend then said "You might be young, but you ain't pretty".  I laughed at this and told him that he took the words right out of my mouth.  The guys took it in good humour and went off.  Why can't everyone be like this?  ID'ing happens.  Get over it. Now, remember yesterday how I mentioned that Pedro's golden boys didn't always do too well after a little while?  Well, apparently this morning Pedro and Crack Baby had a little spat.  Well, a large spat.  Apparently over the fact that Crack Baby doesn't do any work unless Pedro is around.  Seems that Pedro began investigating all the complaints about Crack Baby being a lying, trying waste of space, and found out that actually, people in the store weren't lying and that Crack Baby really is useless.  I am sure that did a lot to improve his mood.  I'm guessing the argument stemmed from my meeting with Pedro, and suggesting that dayshift get 2 weeks retraining.  Pedro agreed.  I'm guessing it didn't go down well.  Tough. I know that The Bombshell can be random, but, tonight he took the biscuit.  He came up to me at the beginning of my shift and said to me "Is there a small woman in here?"  I told him I hadn't seen one, and he frowned and said "Odd, I can feel a small woman"  Now I know the Polish for feel and smell are similar, so I asked if he meant smell, and he shook his head and said "No, I can feel her" then put his hands out like a mystic.  I never did get to the bottom of what it was that he meant, or if he has suddenly developed psychic powers.  And for some reason last night I got an unfair amount of mumblers.  I hate this type of customer.  Why is it so hard for some people to just speak clearly.  "20 huff n puff" doesn't really tell me the brand of cigarettes you want.  Nor does "pump her mer der".  I must have had 10 people over the course of the night where I have had to ask them, always to their annoyance, to repeat what they just said.  And every single time, I get treated like I am the one being unreasonable.  Regular readers of this blog will know that we get some really strange people in at night.  People with kittens.  People with the inability to keep their inner monologue inner.  And people who have legs the thickness of two twiglegs.  But tonight I got a real oddball.  The kind that you double take them and think "what the fark?"  This guy was all suave, then walked away with his girlfriend.  Nothing odd there.  I figured he was just a regular, normal, well adjusted customer.  Not on nightshift.  Just as he was leaving he looked at me, looked at his girlfriend then pointed at some Tangos and said "Did you know he works all night until the morning and sells these"  Uh huh.  That's my job is it?  Ok, well, thanks for telling me! The other group of people I had far too many of last night were people who don't tell us they have fuel.  It's a petrol station.  The reason you came was probably to buy petrol (or cigarettes) so perhaps it might be important to tell the guy behind the counter that you have some.  Instead, a surprising amount of people don't say a word, and then get annoyed when we don't charge them for petrol and they have to pay for it on a seperate transaction.  Now, some people have argued "Why don't you ask the customers if they have petrol?"  Well, the problem with that is that customers get annoyed and sometimes bemused that we ask them.  This said, there is the sub species of the non mentioning customer which is the "My cashier is psychic" type.  You ask, and they reply with "yup".  And that's the most information you get out of them. Now, I found out something somewhat irrelevant to this blog, but since it happened at work, it's getting mentioned.  It's impossible to make Boris Johnson look evil or even sinister.  I do this a lot at work.  I get bored easily.  So I colour in people's eyes in the newspapers I am returning.  Beats the hell out of paperwork!  Anyway, I have discovered that colouring in people's eyes in black biro and then giving them black angry eyebrows tends to make people look sinister and evil.  Not Boris!  I even used marker pen on his picture.  Nothing!  For those who don't believe me, look at this picture I mocked up (badly) on an online paint program.  Ok, at first he looks evil, but then, look closer and he more resembles a pig yawning.  I even picked yawning to give him an evil mouth.  Nope.  Just Boris yawning still.  Boris, liked you anyway, but now I bow.  A politician I cannot make look evil?  Kudos to you Boris.  Kudos to you. Lastly for today's entry, I want to talk about people who hide their pin numbers.  Stop doing it!  There are actually a couple of reasons why you should stop doing it.  The first being, we can't see which numbers you are typing.  Seriously.  The plastic isn't really smoked glass.  We just can't see through it.  Secondly, honestly, we really don't care what your pin number is.  Do you honestly think we're going to run after you and batter you to death so we can steal your money?  No.  Thirdly, and running on from the second point, if we really wanted to steal your money, the cashback system is so poorly designed, we could do it without you even noticing.  Some are better than others, but sometimes cashback isn't including in your final price, so we could just whip £50 from your account and you would have no idea.  Lastly, if we're looking away, as we should do when you enter your pin, do you really think we are going to sneak a look at what you're doing?  I realise this shouldn't bug me, but to be honest, it makes me feel like they think I am going to steal all their money then run off to the Caribbean.  Permalink | 19.08.08: A Short Post, A Dull Night and Arguments With A Stupid Kid New Music Of The Day: Z List Tears - Once In Your Life Another pretty dull night actually.  You see, all the customers have been behaving themselves, and the only person having a tantrum is The Bombshell.  Because he has to work a Saturday, and in Poland he wouldn't have to.  As both Mrs DJ and I reminded him, he's not in Poland, and in England we do work Saturdays, and then I reminded him that this is all part of the glorious culture that he decided he wanted in on.  And since Mrs DJ, Louie and I reminded him of these facts, he has been in a bad mood.  Apart from perking up a little a few minutes ago when I swore in Polish for all the right reasons.  Namely that dayshift are idiots. Plus we had Crack Baby in at 6am.  Joy.  The guy is an absolute moron.  I personally love the Stereophonics popularised expression JEEP or Just Enough Education to Perform.  Unfortunately Crack Baby doesn't even have this.  You see, the guy has the ear of Pedro, and is his little golden boy at the moment.  Unfortunately, I have seen what happens to golden boys of Pedro.  They get complacent, and then lose their position.  And I'm not just talking about their position as golden boy.  I just think it will be interesting when Crack Baby's kid comes along, and he wants time off to spend with his kid. And when he comes in bleary eyed from not getting a decent sleep.  Anyway, so the kid decided he wanted to pick a verbal fight with me.  See what I mean about not being smart?  I mean, the guy once told me he reads an intellectual paper, and when I asked which one he said "The Mirror".  The crazy thing is, he got angry when I laughed and said that it was just another red top.  He needed an explaination for that.  Anyway, so the first sparring match was him trying to provoke a reaction in either The Bombshell or me by calling me lazy.  It worked on neither of us.  In the end I just said "If I'm so slow, I'll race you.  50 cases.  Any time, any place.  Name it."  He went quiet after that.  So then, a few minutes later he was out the back eating a Mars Bar.  So I said "Wow, an hour into your shift and you're on a break already.  Nice."  He shot back with "Oi.  No.  Eating a Mars Bar thanks."  I just pointed out that he was out the back, eating, not working, therefore it seemed to be a break.  He told me that I knew a lot about breaks and not a lot about work.  I shrugged and said "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.  Now, you're not working, eating, and you're out the back.  Guess you must be on a break then."  He slammed the Mars Bar down and stormed onto the tills.  Lastly, he was out the back again as I finished my shift.  I was busily taunting the day shift supervisor, mentioning my badge and certificate for 5 years service.  So Crack Baby came up and said "Wow.  5 years.  What do you want?  A medal?"  I pointed out that I would be getting a medal in the form of a badge.  So he said "Well, what the f do you want then?"  I told him I wanted a banquet with a full chamber orchestra.  He then told The Bombshell that I had lost it.  I grinned and said "So would you if you worked nights for 5 years."  He snapped back with "There is a difference between working for 5 years and turning up for 5 years."  I grinned again and said "And we all know you're going for the latter."  He told me to go f myself and then stormed off onto the tills.  I think this proves my point that children should be seen and not heard. Permalink | 18.08.08: Dull Days, Bad Mood Supervisors, Stroppy Customers, The Return Of Miss C, The Meeting, The Union, and Ruined Breakfasts. Tonight has been really dull.  Virtually nothing has happened all night.  And it is so depressing, because it means that I have virtually nothing to comment on for today's entry.  The Bombshell is in a foul mood, as usual.  He is stropping around the place, refusing to talk to Miss C and he is refusing to even engage the customers in any conversation.  Thankfully there is a reason why.  All this is because he is going to have to work on Saturday.  Have you ever heard of anything so petty?  He has to work one day of the weekend, and he's having a tantrum over it.  One week long tantrum.  The other thing is, he is going on holiday for 2 weeks as of Sunday, so it doesn't really matter if he works Saturday, because he is having 2 weeks off.  The guy has serious problems.  But not as big a problem as one of our customers tonight.  He came in and asked for cigarettes.  Now, we have a stupid rule that if they don't look over 25, we can't serve them without ID.  And he didn't have any but he was driving.  So, I refused to sell him cigarettes because he looked about 17.  He got angry and asked why I would sell him petrol but not cigarettes.  I explained he could be 17 and driving.  So he stormed off and got The Bombshell, who also asked him for ID.  And also refused to serve him.  The kid then screamed "I'm f'ing 24, do I look like a f'ing kid?  Do I look like I go to f'ing school?"  I'd have thrown him out for that.  The Bombshell didn't.  In the end, he let someone else buy cigarettes for the kid.  That annoyed me. Then there was the return of Miss C.  I am going to be truthful and say that I didn't really miss her.  Thing is, she's full of conspiricy theories and slagging people off behind their backs.  Namely The Cleaner.  This said, we did do a lot of catching up.  But I am glad that she's off for 2 days now, and then I have her for just one day, then I am off, then I have to work Friday which is going to be a main in the ass, but then I have Saturday off. So, regular readers will know that I was having a meeting with Pedro this morning.  It's lucky I was there.  Miss C and The Bombshell said virtually nothing to him.  That kind of annoyed me, but it also allowed me to show my natural flair for debate and discussion.  The good news is that Pedro thinks we rock.  He said that sales are through the roof, and that we're doing better than ever before.  To the point where he is looking at more staff for us.  He also said that we are doing a great job on filling shelves.  And Pedro actually admitted that he has got a lot of issues with the Dayshift.  This made me laugh a little, but not as much as the fact that I roundly beat Pedro in a couple of argument.  The first was that we don't return all the papers and that we're losing a lot of money because of it.  I argued that if the dayshift didn't leave the papers in the canteen and stock rooms, I'd be able to return the papers, and if they didn't put them in other random papers. And then when we argued about the rotation of stock in the chiller.  He argued it was us, but then I counter argued that it was dayshift's fault because they work it before us, so we work it minimally, then put new stock on top of old stock, which is all he can argue about.  And then when we finished at the meeting, I went and told the dayshift supervisor that they had issues with his staff, and that Pedro would be putting his guys on a 2 week training program. When I told my dad about the meeting, he told me that I should become a Union Rep for the store.  I've been considering it.  I've actually been considering it for a long time.  The thing is, it's not physical, it's mental.  And this is where my strength lies.  People always say that I am great with words, especially when it comes to arguing my point.  So perhaps as well as being a blogger, and a member of The Boys Club, so perhaps I will also become a Union Rep too.  Perhaps this is where my career lies.  Working my way through the Union.  Never know... Then when I went to get something nice to eat for my breakfast, having completely rocked in the meeting with Pedro, except Evie was in the bakery, so that meant that having a hot breakfast was out of the question as the girl simply cannot cook. So then I went to get some of my favourite pastries, Maple And Pecan Plaits.  Except they were seriously undercooked and very cold.  Permalink | 17th August 2008: Eventful Nights, Idiot Idol, Trolleys For One Item, You Cannot Pick Your Till, Girls Are Sometimes Worse Drunks Than Guys, The Ultimate Stoner, Bring Your Cat To Work Day, Olympic Rattle Throwing, Attempted Robbery and Going, Going, Gone? New Music Of The Day: Rude Fellows - L'uomo Invisible (anyone who makes music with an Adam And The Ants intro is great by my standards) Wow...I have had one hell of an eventful night tonight.  From customers asking really stupid questions to being threatened with being robbed, tonight has been a lot of fun in a lot of different ways.  And yes, I did say robbed and fun in following sentences. I sometimes wonder whether when The X Factor comes back on stage, people watch it and wonder if there is a Supermarket Idiot Factor too, and then go and see if they can get past the 1, 2, 3 or sometimes 4 judges.  Tonight's first customer was a prime example.  He came in with a trolley.  Now, we are a petrol station, quite a small petrol station but probably bigger than average.  Still not sure we should have trolleys though.  So, this guy takes a trolley, wheels it around slowly and then emerges 20 minutes later with one, singular packet of chicken legs.  Yup.  A trolley and a 20 minute visit to the petrol station for one reduced packet of chicken legs.  The next idiot customer walked across the forecourt over to our carwash, came back and asked me if it was open.  The thing is, one of the rollers is broken because someone drove into the carwash with a bigger car than is allowed, and rather than their car getting trashed, our carwash did.  Thing is, it's really obvious it's out of order.  The rollers are bent, and there is a red light blinking on and off inside it.  So I told her that the carwash was broken.  She then frowned and said "Why?  Can't you just fix it?"  This annoys me so much.  Especially when I am the only one on the shop floor.  Yes, I'll just leave the shop unattended, fix a hugely complicated piece of machinery, and then come back to an empty store.  People who demand unreasonable levels of customer service annoy me more than the people who ask whether we have the next day's papers in before midnight, and the people who untie the bundles of papers which are due to be returned to the suppliers.  And then there are the other customers who really, really annoy me.  We have three tills at work.  At maximum, overnight, two of the three tills are open.  Namely because we don't get enough customers to warrant opening more than one till.  Personally, I think it makes sense that if there is someone in an SF shirt standing behind one of the tills, they are probably going to be serving from that till.  And every single night we get people taking their stuff to another till and then going "Oh, right, you're there.  Ok mate."  Those customers aren't too bad.  It's the ones who make a huge song and dance over having to move their stuff that they took to the wrong place.  And it's even better when they complain that they've had to wait ages for you to serve them.  One of those situations where you just smile, be polite, and think inside how much you deeply hate them at that moment. Which is exactly what I had to do to a couple who came in last night.  The guy was great.  A pleasure to serve.  Which actually makes a change for a Saturday night because most of the guys who come in are doing their best Alpha Male impressions.  I will get onto that a little later.  Anyway, so the girl tries to kiss the guy, which every cashier without exception hates.  We're at work.  We're away from our partners.  Last thing we want to see is a couple being all kissy kissy in front of us, reminding us that our partners aren't there and we can't do that.  Anyway, the guy pushed her away and said "Not in front of people!"  Which annoyed her to the point that she decided to take it out on me.  So she tapped her foot whilst waiting in the queue.  Supermarket Soap Cashier tip number 328: this will always result in us hating you at best, and you getting your change in many many pieces at worst.  So I already had a dislike of this woman, and then whilst I scanned their stuff, she commented "Well I hope we're not going to be here all night.  I wanted to actually watch that film tonight!"  I forgot to ask which charm school she was attending.  Then I committed a cardinal sin according to her rulebook apparently.  I mixed up the numbers whilst telling her how much her stuff was.  For this, I got a glare and a "Not your night tonight is it?"  I smiled sweetly, pointed at the display and said "It is written there too".  She dropped it and when I gave her the change, she exclaimed "Finally!" and stropped out of the store.  Her boyfriend appologised for her, then followed quickly.  It's times like that I am so glad that our customers cannot read minds. But then I had one of my highlights of the night.  Strange things make me laugh, and as you may have noticed from this, strange things make it onto the pages of Supermarket Soap.  And one of those things tonight was a stoner.  Nothing really surprising there!  He wandered to the counter with a kilo of potatoes in a daze, looked at me and took a step back, then smiled and said "just these mate".  So I scanned them, and then he uttered "And a pack of red slims".  But of course.  Why go through a middleman when you have the munchies when you can make your own crisps or chips! Plus I had what is possibly the strangest customer to date.  And I see a lot of strange people.  The guy had been wandering around the shop for a while, and when he came to the counter he opened his jacket.  And I thought I saw a toy cat.  I was mistaken.  It was a real cat.  Yes, someone had brough their cat shopping with them!  I mean, why?  Why wouldn't you leave it in the car?  Better yet, why would you bring it with you at all?  I don't even get the people who bring their dogs to the store at 3am anyway, so why bring a cat?  Plus the cat kept trying to get onto the counter, and the guy managed to keep him off it.  Shame.  I like cats.  Now, a saturday night would not be complete without rattle throwing from a drunk.  And this woman should win an olympic gold medal for her efforts last night.  She managed to throw her rattle all the way from the counter to the door.  She stropped in, and came up and looked at the barriers over the alcohol section, then stropped over to me and said "what?  I can't buy alcohol?"  I politely but firmly said no, which she didn't seem to understand.  Because she said "can't you even do me a bottle of wine?"  Since she had been the latest in a long line of customers last night who had asked that I said "No alcohol means no alcohol".  She lost her temper.  "And precisely what PC notion are you protecting with that stupid rule?"  I told her I thought the directors were taking a moral stance on binge drinking.  "I know it's not your fault.  But I don't care!  What's the f'ing point of you being open if I can't buy alcohol!"  Yes, because our purpose is you.  Oh, no, wait, it's selling petrol.  Alcohol is actually a dismal fourth in sales.  Behind petrol, cigarettes, and ready meals.  So as she stropped out, I muttered "Pick your rattle up, it's by the door where you threw it". Now I did mention I got robbed.  I may have been building up the suspense just a little.  I went to the cash machine at 3am because my card was declined (wrongly) at the tills.  So I checked my balance, which was more than healthy, and then went back inside.  Or tried to.  There was a kid who stood in front of me as I left the machine.  He demanded that I gave him my money.  So I ignored him.  And he yelled "Oi!  Come back here and give me your money!  Mate!  Give us your money!"  I ignored him then saw that there was a massive queue.  So I went back to the cash machine.  And my would be robber was still there.  "Oi, you was just here.  You just used this machine.  What you here for now?  You wanna rob be is it?"  I ignored him.  "Oh!  Balance, £23,000."  I smiled and said "Nice."  "Nah mate, just kidding.  Yeah, back off mate or I'll cut you!"  I laughed to myself, then stopped suddenly and looked right into his eyes and said "Kid, I have a bigger, sharper knife in my pocket which I use every damned day.  Try it."  He stopped and looked at me and said "Yeah, alright mate, stop threatening me, yeah?  I was just f'ing kidding!"  Thing is, even the police have commented on my knife.  It does look evil.  Six inch blade and where I tried and failed to snap a piece off the blade which it is designed to do, it failed and ended up giving me a wildly curved blade but razor sharp tip to it.  It's awesome, and banned from work.  But hey, I have the safety certificate for it, so I do as I please. Lastly, I fell at work.  I am so embarrassed.  I never fall.  One of the few things I am glad about during my "rehabilitation" for my autism.  They gave me co-ordination physiotherapy, as I had no co-ordination from year dot until thirteen.  But where I was growing and developing at the time, my co-ordination is actually stunning now.  And I love to balance on things.  The side effect is that I never trip.  If I look like I am going to fall, I always right myself.  But not when my foot is stuck in a basket.  We have these stupid wire mesh baskets for crisps underneath the sandwich section, and we all hate them.  I have personally killed two in the last six months.  They got revenge.  I rushed away from where I was stood, avoided some boxes on the floor and caught the end of my boot in the basket and just went down.  And concrete floors are hard.  Fortunately I took Judo as a kid, and I know how to fall.  Hurt like hell but just my palms and my wrists hurt, and that was only for a few minutes.  And because we were short staffed at the beginning of the dayshift, I didn't get to file an accident report.  Ho hum.  I'll do it when I get in tonight.  I already prepared one on my USB key which never leaves my neck.  And there is one on my computer.  And another on Google Documents.  And another in each e-mail account I have.  Why so paranoid?  SF is a dangerous place at the moment.  People are getting away with a lot.  I hedge my bets. Permalink | 16.08.08: Blogging On The Move, Quiznos Subs, Memories Of School, and Lessons In Good Customer Service New Music Of The Day: Supernal - Glass     So, i am currently sitting on top of west quay, finishing off a surprisingly so so sandwich from Quiznos.  Now, I say surprisingly because I am a really big fan of their sandwiches.  Costs a little more than fast food, takes the same time, but tastes a million times better.  This said, I don't think the girl who made my sandwich particularly liked me.  When I told her i wanted bacon on my steakhouse beef sandwich, she shot back "is extra".  Today is not the day to be short with me.  So I replied "I don't care".  But then she did something inexcusable.  You see, at Quiznos they do some really nice sauces with their rolls but often drown the tastes out with shubbery.  Lettuce, tomato, shubbery.  And I am the definition of carnivore.  I can't stand vegetables.  So as she reeled off everything I could  have I said "no extras" so she said "ok, just beef, bacon and cheese", so I explained I just wanted beef and bacon, nothing else.  Apparently this translated back into "don't put sauce on my beef either".  Funnily enough, jut bacon and beef made for quite a dry sandwich.  So Quiznos, disappointed.  But before that I was on the train down to southampton and I saw someone from my past.  A teaching assistant from my secondary school (high school for American readers).  Not quite the nice start to my trip I had hoped for.  For those readers who are new to this blog, I am autistic.  And when I was at school, getting on for 15 years ago now, help for autistic kids was...well...basic to say the least.  The other problem is that in those days, diagnosis was pretty poor too.  Unless you were mute and rocking backwards and forwards, they didn't have a clue what the problem was.  I actually didn't get diagnosed until college with Dyspraxia with Aspergers tendencies.  So, my experiences of "help" from this woman weren't quite what you get now.  Her "help" mostly consisted of torturous writing exercises.  They believed that if I traced enough printed letters on a sheet for 2 hours a day, 3 days a week, I would learn to write properly.  It didn't work.  So they tried something else.  Taping my fingers in the right position to a pen for every class.  So, yeah, my memories of this woman weren't exactly fond.  I just sat, ignored her, and felt massive amounts of resentment towards her.  For her part, she didn't have a clue who I was.  I guess it's not her fault.  Probably didn't expect to ever see one of her students in a suit.  And I guess the 2 inch long goatee isn't quite what I had between the ages of 13 and 16.  Still made me angry though.  This said, Not as angry now that I've vented my rage.  Whilst I was planning my entry for today, I remembered her name, and I was planning to publish it, so that when Googled, her name would be alongside all those torturous "treatments" she inflicted on me.  But I mellowed a little.  I'm not going to now.  Lastly for this shortened and badly editted blog entry, South West Trains made me laugh today.  Announcements were given out all day about how they were running a customer service week and how they wanted customers to report excellent customer service which had affected their journey.  Thing is, stupidly, they want people to give customer service reports on their website.  Silly people.  I own 4 laptops.  Ok, so, I am a hoarder, I know!  Anyway, there is a really good reason their little scheme made me laugh.  At Lymington station the manager came limping up to me and said "Oi!  Got a ticket?"  When I told him that I did he demanded to see it.  I informed him that I wasn't on a train therefore didn't require a valid ticket nor needed to produce one.  He told me that I did because I was on South West Trains property.  And then he told me he wasn't even on duty, so I asked for his authority to ask me for a ticket.  He limped away and muttered "Young people today!"  Ok.  Well, I am going to be filling in a customer service report, for his excellent customer service.  Come on.  Like I am going to be alone in using and abusing this service this week! Permalink | 13.08.08: Meetings with Pedro, Busy Tuesdays, Russian Roulette Blogging, Does Chocoholics Anonymous Exist?, Clear Instructions, Confused English and Does Management Have A Little Crush On Me? New Music Of The Day: Underdog Victory - Suckers For The Mainstream Free MP3 Of The Day: The Faint - The Geeks Were Right So, I got into work and was given a letter immediately by Mr DJ.  He also told me there were ones for Miss C and The Bomshell, but not Slaphead.  This concerned me just a little since I know Pedro likes Slaphead, hates Miss C and hates The Bombshell.  Apparently he likes me, but I personally think differently.  Anyway, so this letter is a forced invite to a meeting about night shift with Pedro.  Fun.  Although the invite itself is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Names have been replaced to protect the guilty. Hi TSM, Pedro would like you to attend a Night Team meeting on 18th August 2008 at six thirty AM.  If you have any thoughts of quires of your own then please feel free to bring these along with you. Kind Regards Queen Chav. Well, I was not informed that I needed to be able to sing for this job.  Certainly not that I might need to be part of a quire!  And as for thoughts of my own...well...I work for SF, why on earth would they think I have thoughts of my own? And tonight has been heaving!  I must have served half of Lymington tonight!  It literally only quietened down at about one in the morning.  It's just insane for it to be this busy in the middle of the week!  I mean seriously, do people have nothing better to do than go out drinking on a Tuesday night and then come 15 minutes walk minimum to a petrol station to buy food?  People say that the pub trade is in serious decline.  You know what?  I'd like to see that.  Even a tiny bit of proof of that would be lovely.  Because fewer drunks equals a happier shift for me. Right now I am playing Russian Roulette blogging.  The idea is simple.  Sit in the garden with a reasonably expensive laptop, cup of tea, blog notes and a packet of Cadbury's Chocolate Buttons.  Then wait for ominous black clouds to appear in the sky out of nowhere.  Being chased by blue sky.  Is it going to rain?  Is the laptop going to get wet?  Is there going to be rain in my tea?  Or worse!  On my buttons!  These are questions we yet do not know the answers to.  But time will tell.  This is the thing.  I get an hour break at work, and I try to write some of my blog at work because, well, making money on company time amuses me.  But an hour isn't really enough.  Plus the eee PC keyboard is prone to mistakes (fixing that, got a new sub laptop arriving today or tomorrow!) and internet access at work is patchy in that if the wind is blowing in the right direction, I get connected.  So I have to write some of my blog at home too.  And this Autumn appears to be decisively tempremental.  So far we have had glorious sunshine and a month's rain in a day.  Inside thirteen days.  But worst of all...the wind is trying to claim my Cadbury's Buttons! Last night we had a guy who I think may possibly be the biggest chocoholic in the world.  I mean, to the point where I think he needs help.  He came to the counter with five four finger kit kats, two twixes, none of which were on offer.  Then he looked at them, pondered, and said "Wait, I need some more".  Then dashed off and came back with a large slab of dark chocolate and a large slab of white chocolate.  Six pounds worth of chocolate all for one guy.  Now, you may be thinking "But perhaps some of it was for his kids too!"  I doubt this.  I try so hard not to judge people, but when they come in and they are huge, and then buy six quid's worth of chocolate, I don't think he intends sharing.  Now, I know I may be sounding a little hypocritical, since I am not exactly small of stomach, but, if I buy that much chocolate, it's for a week, not a day.  Although I will now be controversial and say that I do think kit kats and twixes are both disguisting.  Please, flame away. So this guy comes in during the delivery, and time is at a premium anyway, so clear instructions are always welcome.  However, there is a line between clear and taking the mick.  This guy fell into the latter.  He struts to the counter, stares me in the eye and with his best possible English announces: "One twenty marlboro cigarette light".  Bless.  I am so glad that a long time ago I learned how to laugh on the inside without showing on the outside.  And I do realise that his English was far and away better than whichever language he speaks natively.  But there is overstating what it is that you want, and that was a prime case.  I mean, was that a literal translation?  I'd assume 20 cigarettes and a brand was 20 cigarettes and a brand in any language.  And I know I have international readers, so, please enlighten me!  This said, his leaving message was equally overstated.  "Thank you.  Goodbye.  See you." But it's not just people who speak English as a foreign language who have trouble with English.  No.  Last night I had what is easily the most bizarre reply in the history of my time at SF.  I gave the guy his change and told him how much it was.  His reply?  "That's your problem."  It's one of those replies that you think "Did you really just say that?"  The thing is, I rarely mishear things, especially that close, and he wasn't exactly mumbling.  It was just one of those times where you wonder precisely how strong some people have a grip on reality.  Lastly, something a little fun for a change.  As ridiculous as it might sound, I wonder whether Shoe is flirting with me.  When I was younger and a little more naive to the world, I read a lot about body language, because due to my Autism it was a complete mystery to me.  The great thing is though that if I learn something I can kind of turn it on and turn it off and now it's off most of the time.  However, when I am around women I'm always kind of interested in reading their body language.  Namely because women confuse the hell out of me!  Anyway, I have noticed more and more than Shoe is coming up to me and telling me things she really doesn't need to.  Also, nine times out of ten when she's talking to me she's making a lot of eye contact and flicking her hair.  If she is, then I am flattered, but if she isn't meh, it doesn't bother me.  Permalink | 12.08.08: Bad Moods, Podcasts, Development, Bad Customers, Mood Changing Supervisors, The Porn Police, Big Unpaid Bill Results In The Police, and The Perfect End To A Night's Work. New Music Of The Day: DJ Kronik - Made You Look vs Summer Breeze Today I am in a foul mood.  And the best bit is, there is no reasoning behind it.  Not even I know why I am in a bad mood.  But I am.  I am having to try so hard not to take it out on the customers.  As for The Bombshell, well, I am trying to stay out of his way, but he keeps interfering.  Checking I've done everything right.  And it is truely beginning to wind me up. So, as I have been promising for a long time, Podcasts are back!  I know yesterday's podcast broke off at the end.  My apologies, but there was a problem with the hosting company.  They didn't convert the file correctly, so it got cut off.  However, we have a new podcast host now and they are way more professional.  So, tomorrow I will recreate yesterday's podcast and upload it to the host so you can listen, if you so desire! I actually spent a long time last night playing with the podcast system.  And having listened to my own podcast back, I want give huge thanks to Hearwho.com.  The guy that runs it is fantastic when it comes to feedback (I had a reply to my little e-mail about how good they were within 15 minutes) and I am loving the not too but still a little synthetic voice.  Then I spent about 2 hours trying to find storage.  You see the problem is this - I don't make much from this site, and so paying for storage is out of the question.  Same goes for paying server bandwidth costs.  So I needed free storage with unlimited bandwidth.  I tried a couple of places and both sucked, but then I found the new home for our storage.  They are awesome and are giving me pretty profesional tools for nothing.  So, we love them. Now, I know I complained about customers last night, but I had one who really took the biscuit last night.  He came up to me, slammed a can of Red Bull down and then said "Number 8 and this sh*t, yeah mate?"  I mean, seriously, what was the best reply he was expecting to get from me?  Did he want me to agree with his opinion of the quality of the Red Bull? These kind of people make me despair about society today.  I mean, this wasn't a kid, it was an adult.  Possibly with a child, and possibly raising it to be as rude and obtuse as he was being.  I know that that is quite a leap to make, but the thing is, even if kids see that kind of behavior from an adult, then they will begin to think that this kind of behaviour is acceptable. I'm going to elaborate on this part a little later in the post, so I'm not going to spoil it.  But The Bombshell was really irritating last night.  He began in a really bad mood, and stayed in his bad mood until he had finished working everything in the warehouse, and then suddenly asked me if I had seen that he bought a film yesterday.  When I told him that I saw he had, he told me it was a really good film and that he had really enjoyed it.  These mood swings are really beginning to bug me.  I mean, what reasonable person grunts and gestures at his workers when he's trying to communicate, and then only uses his words when he feels like it!  Then later on in the night before the delivery arrived, we had the police come in.  They just been checking out some kids on our forecourt who had come out of one of the forest car parks at 3 in the morning, and therefore looked like they were up to no good.  Seems they weren't.  Shame.  But then the police told me about someone they had found earlier, who had blood all over the front of his car, but his car wasn't damaged at all.  So they asked to see inside his car and he had womens clothes in the back seat, and his shirt was all ripped up and a copy of Bizarre.  When they asked who the clothes were, he said his.  Then they asked about the blood and his reply was "Oh, it's ok, I'm a vampire".  They arrested him.  So the policeman who came in asked whether we stocked Bizarre, because he wanted to look at it.  I told him we didn't and it was a shame, and he agreed.  Then I explained that it was because Mrs DJ is in charge of the magazines, and she thinks that it's disgusting.  He laughed and said "When you sell porn?"  I agreed and even his female partner agreed with me.  I said that the manager said he won't stock non mainstream adult material.  He said "So boobs and bits are fine, but latex isn't?" And once the delivery came in, we just worked like demons.  We finished 5 cages of chilled in an hour and a half, then finished another 5 cages of ambient in 2 hours.  Not too bad.  Even Queen Chav agreed that we had done really well.  Praise indeed.  And then I had a no means of payment.  I hate these.  It's when someone comes in and they can't pay for their fuel because they forgot their wallet or something similar.  This guy had £174 of fuel, and then his card was declined.  So what was his reaction?  Well, he stood and chewed gum, gave me the bare minimum details, and then said "I ain't got time to be standing around filling in paperwork mate, see ya!" and left.  Which is kind of unfortunate for him.  You see, we're a business, not a charity, and we can't really afford to lose £174 of fuel.  So Queen Chav delighted me by calling the police.  When I asked if it was overkill, she grinned and said "He should have brought a card in that worked.  Or waited.  Either way, no need to just walk off is there?  He wants to make it our problem?  I'll make it his." We have a regular customer who really annoys me.  He is always stoned, but today he made an exception.  He came in drunk instead.  At six thirty in the morning.  I mean, seriously, what decent person comes into a supermarket or even a petrol station drunk at 6 in the morning?  Anyway, so by ten past seven, when I left, he still hadn't left the first aisle.  He was still walking up and down it aimlessly, picking things up and putting them in his basket.  Bless.  I mean, he's pretty good natured, and he doesn't steal anything.  Although he does mess up our facing up by crashing into the shelving.  But he always pays for everything, including the things he breaks.  Actually, even the things he eats on the way around.  I quite often get given wrappers and he says "sorry, ate it, I got a bit hungry shopping."  Nice, but when there are two people, and we both want to go for a cigarette, and we can't leave the store unattended, he becomes annoying. Lastly for today, I got a lovely little ending to my shift.  Queen Chav and The Bombshell shouting and arguing at each other.  It started when he went up to her and said "There are two cages in back.  I go to home now." Queen Chav: "Good morning to you too, and no, you are going to do a proper hand over for once." Bombshell: "Yeah, I must always do.  No other duty manager, just you.  F*ck." Queen Chav: "Ain't you happy today." Me: "Has been all night." Queen Chav: "You've been like this all night?" Me: "And all of yesterday too?" Queen Chav: "What is your problem?  Why can't you be happy?" Bombshell: "Yeah, sure, I smile always, then I be happy.  F*ck that." Queen Chav: "So why are you in a bad mood?" Bombshell: "I must always work the saturday.  Is sh*t." Queen Chav: "Why?" Bombshell: "I am the bored on the saturday." Queen Chav now mocking him: "I am the bored.  Yeah?  Why don't you do some work for a change then you won't be bored!" Bombshell: "On saturday I am work the warehouse, the chiller, the loading bay, everything.  Then I am tidy.  What else must I do?" Queen Chav: "Wow.  What a f ing hero." Their argument moves into the chiller but I can't hear what they are saying.  Then they come out of the chiller and glare at each other. Queen Chav: "So, that's all worked yeah?" Bombshell: "Yes" Queen Chav: "Well, thank you for all your hard work and see you after my holiday!" Me: "I love the way you argue and scream, then just calm down in a split second." Queen Chav: "What the f is his problem?  Never mind.  See you!" Permalink | 11.08.08: Short Entrys, Developments, Rude Customers, Mood Swings and The Boys Club New Artists Of The Day: Out Damned Spot:False Conception. Chrome Attic:Doesn't cost a penny. Free MP3 Of The Day: Brandan Canning:Hit The Wall. So, today's entry might be a little short.  That's because not a lot happened last night.  I hate it when that happens because then I don't have a huge amount to write about.  And that is never a good situation to be in! This said, there are a couple of developments which are happening to this site.  First of all, podcasts are back!  It's taken us a while to find the right technologies to get it working, but now they are back!  Many thanks to the guys at HearWho.com, their great text to mp3 converter is what powers our podcasts, and is probably one of the best text to mp3 converters out there.  Secondly, YouTube has slowed right down to the point where I can't really use it to vet the videos I have been putting up as streaming songs of the day.  And my favourite alternative, Google Video is now pretty much full of YouTube videos, so I am replacing the streaming song of the day feature with a featured artist from SliceThePie.com.  Although due to the space I'll be freeing up, I may include two or three songs from SliceThePie.com artists.  At the moment the format of the new feature isn't quite complete yet! Last night a lot of the customers were so rude.  I mean, thrusting things into my hand without saying hello or anything.  It really annoys me because it's a little thing for them to say, it doesn't take a lot of effort on their part, and it makes me actually want to serve them.  And it really gets to you when you get customer after customer who looks miserable and can't even be bothered to say hello to you.  Plus last night I had to deal with THe Blonde Bombshell who was busy playing Mr Mood Swing.  From 11pm until 2am he was in a foul mood and kept his answers to our questions short.  Then suddenly, at 2am, he became Mr Happy.  And we are supposed to just play along with that.  It really annoys me that he thinks he can just play with us like that and we'll play along with it.  But the thing is, at about 5am, he went back to being Mr Moody again.  Although the thing which does make me smile is that even Slaphead who really likes The Bombshell has said that he's getting a little fed up with his mood swings.  Things could get really interesting really soon. Lastly, I was supposed to attend a Boys Club meeting today, but Pedro decided he wasn't going to, The Vetran had to leave at 3pm precisely, which meant that we had to have the meeting at 2pm, which was no good for me.  So it was cancelled.  Suits me.  I'll just go there next time with my ideas fulled developed and pushed a little further.  Permalink | 05.08.08: Laziness And Sunny Days, Take What You Can Before December!, Porn And Snacks, How To Treat A Girl, Shy Girls, Even The Police Steal and Pepsi Max Can Be Bad For Work Streaming Song Of The Day: Mishead Lyrics To "This Ain't A Scene" by Fallout Boy Free MP3 Of The Day: The Pretenders - Don't Lose Faith In Me Today's post is dedicated to Princess Chav.  Hope everything is ok, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. OK, so, today should be a fairly long entry.  I know it's been a while since I blogged last, but I have had a few personal issues to deal with, and a major case of laziness.  Ho hum, that should all change now.  Hopefully.  Hot weather is not condusive to blogging! So, first up, I came into work and walked straight into scandal!  For those who have been following since about last month, you will know that I've noticed a few irregularities in the finances.  Departments which don't exist taking money, and increasingly so.  Now I know there is no such thing as a victimless crime, but, I decided to see where this was going.  And I waited, and waited, and nothing happened.  Until last night.  Turns out Mrs DJ is really on edge because £200 just vanished from the takings when she was helping the cash office person cash up.  Do I think Mrs DJ legitimately stole it?  No.  Do I even think the cash office woman stole it?  Not entirely, and if she did, I think she was pushed.  She's a nice woman with too much to lose to steal it.  However, I think she's not above putting it somewhere for someone else to "find" if she was told to.  I think my final words on this little matter are that someone high up was very concerned about not getting his bonuses on time, and with a new kid has been spending a LOT on child care.  Perhaps money he doesn't have without his bonuses? Then I had one of the most random transactions I think I have ever had to deal with.  We get guys coming in and buying porn.  Miss C hates it.  So does Mrs DJ (who got rid of my beloved Bizarre...damn you!)  Personally, I think it's natural.  And if guys want to buy porn late at night, who am I to judge them.  It's natural.  And sometimes if it has a DVD, we get guys buying tissues, snacks and a porn mag.  Which always strikes me as odd.  I never eat snacks when I watch my videos.  Kind of distracts.  I digress.  So this guy comes in and gets a porn mag off the shelf.  And then goes and buys a 5 pack of Double Deckers (layer of biscuit, layer of nougat all wrapped in chocolate) and a Pepperami.  Now, it strikes me as somewhat odd things to buy at the same time as porn.  MY only theory is that he thought "OK, I'm going to get porn and I'll get snacks.  Oooohhhh...chocolate!  But I want something savory too.  Savory...savory...Pepperami!"  If anyone else has any other thoughts, please, share. And for the next month it is School Summer Holidays.  Joy.  It means we get a ridiculous ammount of kids coming in every night because they have nothing better to do.  But it does also mean I get an insight into their little lives.  Take for example the guy who came in last night and was chatting about his new girlfriend.  It was actually kind of sad.  Now, I may not be an expert in how to keep a girl happy, I mean, just ask my girlfriend.  But I am an expert in presents.  Even if I am sometimes (read most of the time) assisted in this by the latest issue of GQ.  So, this kid comes in and is talking about how he is planning to wow this girl at a dinner.  Turns out said dinner is at a pub.  Wow.  This guy could tutor me on dates!  But the thing that I had to try so hard not to laugh at was the gift he has bought this girl.  One of his friends said to him "Are you going to get her flowers as well?" and he turned and snapped "No!  Damnit.  That necklace wasn't cheap you know!  It was £24!  And like I said, I am taking her to The Ship for dinner, that's going to be at least another £60!"  Kind of blows away my idea of presents.  This said, there is no way I am buying my girlfriend jewellery ever again.  At least not without her being present.  The last time I did I bought an engagement ring for her, which subsequently turned grey when she wore it.  Although, random presents for her have all been around the £30-£50 mark... I do quickly want to mention a new theory I have on customers.  I used to think that stoners were the best customers, but I have been rethinking this and I now believe shy girls are the best customers.  Point in case - the girl I served last night.  I told her how much her stuff was and she gave me the money and said thank you.  Then thanked me again when I packed her bag.  And again when I gave her her change.  Now, we have a lot of these stupid little £2 off shopping in the Isle Of Wight vouchers to give out.  And I swear my stack isn't getting any smaller.  So, I decided to be nice and gave her one, even though she didn't have £20 of fuel.  She blushed and said "Thank you very much!  You're so nice!  I'm actually going there at the weekend."  So I told her that if she used it there then she got 5p off every litre of fuel she bought and she blushed again and said "Wow...thank you!"  Far and away the best customer I had all night. We have a little deal going with the cops.  They get free hot drinks from us, and in return they come to our store a little more often than perhaps they should.  Works well.  Especially when they stop little kids coming to our store at stupid o'clock.  Anyway, there is a cute, short, slightly podgy Scottish cop who is really nice, and she asked if she could make a hot drink, so I told her to go ahead.  Then there was a the fat, ever so camp, New Zealand cop, who is also really nice although does rather patronisingly call me "Dude" at least once per sentence.  And he asked if he could make a hot drink.  So I grinned and said "She can, you can't."  And he grinned and said "Well...I'm a cop, so, f*ck you, I'll just steal one."  And as he made his hot drink, his little radio which tells him where to go buzzed into life (we used to block them, then got told not to.  True story) and told him to go to a shout.  He lifted it a little and said "Oh, f*ck.  Shut up."  Bless Kiwi.  We like him. Lastly, I have decided that Pepsi Max is almost as bad for me as Dr Pepper.  Although without the chattyness.  What a lot of people don't realise is that the way I am at work is very much a persona.  It's not me at all.  It's actually based a lot on a barman I am friends with in Gran Canaria, who is one of the most popular people at the place he works.  Well.  Popular and hated at the same time.  I'm taking a laptop this year so I shall blog about this guy really often.  Anyway.  Sometimes I overcook it a little.  Mostly when I have had too much caffeine and sugar.  Which poses a problem because to get the best performance, I use a lot of caffeine and sugar.  So, since I knew we had a tough delivery ahead, I decided to eat a glucose bar and drink a Pepsi Max, which apparently has way more Caffeine than regular Pepsi.  I completely forgot I had a coffee at 8pm.  And another at midnight.  And for the first hour it was fine.  I worked like the devil and got 130 cases finished in an hour.  And then people I knew came in.  That more or less ruined my performance.  Well.  Slaphead ruined my performance with one little line.  "Go and tell the bread driver to hurry up, I've got things to do."  So I jogged outside, and told our regular bread driver who I normally joke with, in a Spanish accent.  "Hola!  My boss, he say, can you hurry up, he have important things to do."  Then jogged back inside.  And then the other brand of bread turned up.  So I jogged outside and said to the permanently grumpy driver exactly the same thing.  A string of swear words could be heard as I jogged away.  This blog entry was powered by just enough Pepsi Max and a large hot chocolate.  Permalink |

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