Supermarket Soap
Daily life behind the counter
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30th November 2008:
So, last night was a lot of fun.  We watched the in house show Dinner For One and it was a riot.  I have taken a lot of photos of the show, because there were a lot of high points in the show.  I think when I get home I will upload them to Flickr.  Maybe I will start using Flickr a little more than I do (currently not at all).

Some days my mouth really gets me into trouble.  Last night was one of those nights.  You see, we have got a new friend, a big Dutch girl who as it turns out is the kids club leader.  She is awesome.  A great laugh.  Anyway, last night I asked if I could take her photo, because we have had some really good nights in with her here.  She said no, so I took her photo anyway.  She grinned and told me to take her photo at the RIU Mini Disco.  I grinned back and told her she was on.  So, as she came past again, after me and my friend had had another 2 strong Rum And Cokes, I told her I would dance at the disco.  She collapsed into giggles and said "You are on!  I am hold you to this!  If I not see you, I come find you!"  Sooooo...ummmm...tonight me and Mike are going to have to do party dances with under 5s.  We will not be sober.

But the real highlight of last night was going into this new bar we´ve discovered called The Tropicana Bar, and guess who strolled in about 10 minutes after us?  Antonio!  One of our close friends here.  I told him that we had spent all week looking for him, he just shot us a confused glance and said "No worry!  Now, I am here!"  We also asked how he was and he sank a beer, giggled, and said "I work 5 hours a day, I am f*cked, how are you?"  It was just a shame that the bar closed at 12:30am, but that was because apparently Saturdays are trouble. 

Right, I know this is a short one, but it was longer before I forgot to add coins and lost the first draft of this post.  I may well blog again later.  Tonight, after our meal and presumably after dancing with children, we are off up to the top of the hill to go see if we can find Les aka Michelle, who is another dear friend of ours.  Finding her is the easy part, we know which bar she is working at.  The problem could be leaving.  This said, I am fairly sure that we will get a hug off her.  Wer normally do.  And that is no bad thing at all!
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29th November 2008:
Last night was...interesting.  We decided to stay in, because the damned bus which was supposed to pick us up for our trip out to Sioux City didn´t arrive.  But then the best part was the bus company´s excuses.  First they claimed that the bus was running late.  Then they claimed that the bus had already been there and we hadn´t been there.  And now is a fantastic time to mention our saviours!  Adeline and Luis.  They rock.  They helped us hugely.  You see, they yelled down the phone in Spanish to the bus company.  Which was nice of them.  And then called the bus company liars and refunded us.  Now, I have just discovered that due to the somewhat sucky interface I am using on Creation´s web editor, I can´t upload photos.  Or at least I can´t resize them in the way I would like.  But I might be able to link to them.  Just don´t shoot the messenger over the sizes.  I know they are huge!  This is what you get for having friends with decent digital cameras...

So, in thanks, I would just like to say that Luis and Adeline at RIU Vistamar Gran Canaria - you guys rock. 

And we have just come from The Tropicana Bar in Puerto Rico and watched England get destroyed by New Zealand.  But they somewhat deserved it for an utterly shambolic display.  I mean, England were basically trying to foul their way through the game to take out the All Blacks.  Uh huh.  Like that was ever going to work.  However, congratulations to Wales for destroying Australia.  I think I can safely say that most England fans will be glad that at least the Aussies got their arses handed to them.  Even if it was by sheep shaggers...

So, not a lot else to say really.  Tonight we are watching an amazing show we saw last year called Dinner For One.  The premise is kind of hard to explain.  It´s slapstick, and German.  Wow, who thought those two phrases would go...  Anyway, the premise is that an old lady has a butler and she asks him to bring her drinks.  Which he does.  After having one for himself first.  She asks for beer, then wine, then whisky, and finally Champagne.  What makes it funny is that the alcohol is taken from the audience.  Gets harder when she asks for whisky and the guy brings a rum...  And yes, as far as I know, the drinks and the drinking is for real.  Would hate to the actor who plays the waiter´s liver and head in the morning...  To quote the great Denis Leary - "Your liver is sitting beside the bed when you wake up, sipping a coffee and saying 'you´re an asshole' "

Ok, so, think that´s it.  Not a lot has happened today, because, well, it´s been a chill out day.  More stuff should happen tonight, because we´re planning on hitting Tropicana tonight after the show.  Both should be good.
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28th November 2008:
Wow last night was messy.  We had dinner with my parents, which was nice, and made even nice that we were given a sack of honey rum by the owner, which he insisted we drank from a lot.  But the food was gorgeous as always, and the honey rum was fantastic.  But then you would only know that if you came here, because honey rum is Canarian and only available cheaply in Gran Canaria.  You can get it in london for £50 a bottle, but here it's £8.

Then we went to Seven Budda Bar.  Not my idea, but my friend who was drunk and was lured in by the cute girl PR.  So we sat and drank a few drinks there.  Namely because I was interrogating the girl on whether she had seen our friends who live here since the bar closed.  But she was vague, so we left.  But not before a woman who was slurring her words so badly that she was incomprehensible and her husband who looked like an immaciated Iggy Pop left.  She struggled to get to her feet, but he got up, sat down, got up, lurched forward and went through a pile of chairs, and hit his chest against the bar, then slurred "sorry" and tried not to fall over as he left.  Then the staff of Seven Budda Bar refused to let him go down the stairs, based on how he was handling flat ground...  They called a taxi for him and asked the driver to assist him down the stairs.

Then we went back to Tropicana Bar.  That was my idea.  And it was a stunning idea too.  You see, the barman, Tony, he knew where Antonio, Billy and Les aka Michelle were.  Very productive.  So we stayed and my god and I glad that we did.  You see, I got to play the shots game with Tony, my friend and Neil the DJ.  And we brought La Fiesta to The Tropicana Bar.  We started what we called in La Fiesta a shots war.  You pick on one person, normally a lightweight person, and then get them to drink as many shots as you can.  The more nasty ones the better.  And Tony slipped to us that Neil couldn't drink.  Perfect target.  By the end of the night he had drunk about a dozen shots, about half of them were nasty, and had given up on not drinking, and had drunk 3 beers too.  He got drunk the night before and had been given a rollocking from his boss for being drunk on the job. 

So, tonight I am off to Sioux City, a cowboy themed night, with a barbeque and a free bar for four hours.  Then I am going to try and persuade my friend to stay in the hotel bar.  I woke up this morning feeling like hell.  Well, not really surprising considering that I drank a glass of honey rum, god knows how much from the bag, and drank at least half a dozen rum and cokes, a shot of sambuca (on the house thanks to Tony) and about a dozen shots.  Two of which contained heavy doses of Lee And Perins.  They ran out of Tabasco.

I'll try and post some photos tomorrow or perhaps later today.  And on a side note, I have done my good deed for the day.  There is a short, quite large, redheaded receptionist here at Anfi, and I am sat right by the doors.  So, she was walking out with a big pile of papers, and I looked up, looked at her and gave her my bestest work smile.  The one I use to make customers feel happy.  She left with a little smile on her face and was blushing all the way out the door.  See?  I can be nice.  Sometimes.
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27th November 2008:
So, another day, another blog post.  Thanks to the relatively widespread internet access and the relatively decent computers and having the eee I am actually blogging more consistently than at home.  Who knows, maybe this will start a trend in my blogging!  At this very moment I am back in the oppulent splendor of the Anfi Del Mar wifi zone.  I really must take a photo to show what a gorgeous little place this is.  We have marble, brass, stone, wood and glass.  And lush armchairs.  Wood and cotton.

Last night we decided to stay in the hotel, because there was a show on, and the in house shows tend to be quite funny.  We weren't disappointed.  There were musical numbers, but these were mixed with a mime, who at one point refused to wear a nun's habbit, and grabbed someone from the audience and made her wear it, then gave her a mic and abandoned her for 30 seconds, before booing the bewildered woman and storming the stage and snatching the mic from her.  He also refused to come on the stage once because his applause wasn't loud enough.  Then there was the point where he was wearing a feather boa and sparkly top hat.  Finally, because it was his last day, the rest of the show members threw a bucket of iced water over him as he took his bow. 

Then we smuggled alcohol back to our room.  This is an annual event for us at RIU Vistamar.  We're not sure if we're allowed to do it, but we always seem to manage it somehow.  Last night, after getting out the lift at the resteraunt, and then at a dead end, we decided to be brazen and walked across reception with four drink in total.  We got away with it, and then went to bed finally at 1am.  We were reasonably drunk when went to bed, hence the fact that despite getting out the lift at floors 5 and 7, I completely missed the internet floor, the floor I was trying to get to.  Floor 6.

And for breakfast this morning we came to Anfi Del Mar for breakfast on our club rep.  This is one of the highlights of my holiday.  Watching my mother and father destroy the reps.  It is a beautiful sight.  You see, Anfi isn't cheap, and they are always trying to make another sale to you for another week.  Mum and dad aren't interested, and Anfi believe they are just holding out.  So today they sent a 17 year vetran of selling.  She was...interesting.  We discussed economics, unemployment, the location of my girlfriend and the reasonings behind it, which narked me a little.  How dare an Anfi rep comment on my relationship.  Bad Anfi.  Anyway, in the end she also met her end with my mother delivering the death blow of "You won't make a sale, but don't worry, every other rep has fallen too, so don't take it badly."  We believe it will merely be a matter of time before the son or daughter of the late owner will be sent to us.  Anyway, I got two full English breakfasts, five cups of coffee and a glass of tropical juice out of them.  Paid for by Anfi.

So, tomorrow we are off to Sioux City, the place where they filmed A Fistful Of Dollars.  And on Saturday we are going on a VIP tour of the island, including lunch at a traditional Canarian resteraut.  Should be good.  Apparently it's very good for photographers. 

Just a quick update between writing that entry and this.  We have been given a gift basket by the directors of the hotel.  No idea why, because no explanation was given.  It was just waiting when we got back to the hotel room.  Fresh fruit and a bottle of what I believe to be sherry.  So, yeah, that was a little odd.  The only explanation I can sort of find is that according to the brochure, RIU Class members get "delights" throughout their stay at the hotels.  I can only assume that this is one such "delight".  Nice. 
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26th November 2008:
So, last night was a little on the wild side.  We had drinks at the hotel, which are free as always.  And we've discovered a nice little trick.  You see, the hotel will always try to push the local spirits on you, but if you ask for a brand name, they HAVE to give you the branded spirit.  So we've been asking for Baccardi and coke all the time.  Works a treat.  You just need to know which brands they have in stock.

Then we moved onto the bars in town.  Now, being web savvy, I know that the Internet is huge for brands.  And brands are huge here in Gran Canaria.  Bars trade on their reputations and names.  And our regular bar here in Puerto Rico called La Fiesta has changed hands but not changed names.  No, no, bloody no, not while I am in charge.  You see, La Fiesta used to be wild.  It brought a whole new meaning to the term rough bar.  Last year they waxed a guy's chest because they were bored.  Not a member of staff, a customer.  So, we went back, and it has been invaded by vikings!  Vikings who play middle of the road soft rock.  All the staff are gone, and it's a shell of what it used to be.  So we found a different bar quickly.  Now, I know that Mario, the owner of La Fiesta has another bar in town, and we headed there.  Except the Vikings beat us there too.  Then we discovered, completely by accident, a La Fiesta photocopy.  But it suffered the same problem as all photocopies.  Not as good as the original.  It was like La Fiesta on a leash and given some sleeping tablets.  The shots game was there, but neutered.  Nasty shots consist of alcohol and tabasco.  In La Fiesta of old, nasty shots consisted of alcohols which should never be mixed.  Like gin and red wine.  However, there was a cute podgy, shy, glasses wearing redhead who was our personal barmaid, and we can only approve of this.  So we're going to go back.  And maybe tear the place a new bum hole.  It needs soul.  And I think the daring team of Mr Jack and Mr Daniels are the two men to give it a soul.  Actually, this is what I am most upset about.  OUR reputation has gone.  Poo.  So tonight we are going to get tanked up on Bacardi and coke at the hotel, then crash the bar in town.  Well, it's a case of sticking to what you know.

So, right now I am sitting on the roof terrace, having eaten a particularly nice burger for lunch, with a glass of extraordinarily strong Jim Beam and coke, free from the hotel, The RIU Vistamar, as part of their all inclusive range.  Now, RIU Vistamar is rated the third best in Puerto Rico by TripAdvisor.com.  You see, you have singing staff (one just came past me singing along to Greased Lighting which was on) and the reception desk will do pretty much anything their Class Members want.  And we happen to be Class Members.  Which means despite needing to reserve a seat at the private, but free resteraunt, a day in advance, we were allowed to book at breakfast for tonight.  On the menu?  Fillet steak, chicken breast, grilled rabbit, grilled peppers and assorted vegetables, five salads, and a wide range of deserts.  Plus we have a waiter attending to our every need.  Photos will be included in tomorrow's post! 

Speaking of photos, I took a few yesterday.  One of which is just for laughs.  You see, our maid is stunning.  She makes swans out of the towels.  And then puts said swans on our bed.  Gotta love that attention to detail.  The other ones are a photo which I think is going to come out really well, of the traffic zooming down the road which runs below our hotel.  And another of the sun setting.  I'm a sucker for a sunset. 

But I think tomorrow will be a day of ball kicking.  And not in the rugby or football sense.  I need to kick my insurance company into gear, and I need to severely kick Monarch.  Even my girlfriend agrees that the compensation was a joke. 

The problem with coming to a place like the RIU Vistamar is choice.  There is so damned much of it.  Now, that's not entirely a bad thing, but, when you have a million types of food at your disposal, and all of it is tasty, then you hit a problem.  Hunger isn't the issue, the issue is fitting all that tasty food in your tummy.  Example, just now I have had a few people of absolutely stunning cheddar.  I wasn't hungry.  I was actully looking for cake to take to my parents place down the road for afternoon tea.  But all the cake was gone.  Then I spotted the cheese.  And I am a cheese fiend.  And I know their cheese is particularly tasty.  So, I gave into temptation and ate some.  Bad RIU, naughty RIU.  Don't ever change!

And just now I have finished playing Bingo at Anfi.  And it rocked.  You see, the guys at Anfi who do the entertainment are actually insane.  But it's understandable, I mean, if your job was to do stuff like play bingo with people, and play shuffleboard all day every day, wouldn't you go a little crazy too?  Besides, the caller going "champagne cha cha cha, champagne cha cha cha!" as he is "shuffling" the balls is just fantastic.  Yes, we were playing bingo for champagne.  Despite my best efforts (doodling all over the paper edges) I didn't win a bean!  Pah!  Well there is more bingo on friday, and I will try to win then.  This said, I did accuse the winners of printing their own tickets (jokingly) because one table won all three prizes.  Tomorrow, I think maybe we will go shooting!  That or archery.  Not sure which yet.  My friend perfers archery, but I prefer shooting stuff with high power CO2 rifles.  They are on alternate days.  And both RIU Vistamar and Anfi provide both events.  Double trouble.  James Bond vs Robin Hood here we come!
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25th November 2008:
I am currently sitting in the oppulent splendor that is the Anfi Del Mar wifi zone.  I have to hand it to Anfi, whatever they do, they do it well.  Wifi zone is no exception.  Lovely armchairs, plenty of power sockets, and staggering bandwidth.  I mean, I am happily sat here listening to Last.fm stream music, which the eee does sometimes struggle with.  Now, despite not being able to get online properly yesterday, I did blog.  And am I ever glad that I did.  Nothing like a permanent record of how bad your first day of the holiday was huh?

So here it is, in all it's brutal glory:
So, as I write this, my plane has been delayed.  That's the bad news.  The slightly better news is that the airline gave us a whole £4 for a meal.  So that restricts us to, well, Burger King I guess.  Then there is the pretty awesome news.  I took out insurance yesterday, and I am sure one of the things it covers is, you guessed it, delays!  Up to £500 I seem to remember.  The thing is, this is a f*ck up on a pretty grand scale for the airline.  The plane was supposed to leave at 11:10am, now it will be leaving at 3:20pm.  Quite some delay.  And the advice from the girl at check in?  "I wouldn't go air side...there's no smoking, and it's going to be a long wait for your flight".  Damn.  She must have smelt the half pack of cigarettes I have smoked today on my sweater. 

And we are at Gatwick, one of the biggest airports in the UK.  And apparently, no free wifi.  The only wifi I have been able to find has been a) patchy and b) hellishly expensive.  I mean - £6 for an hour's internet?  Ok, that's not fair.  The cheapest I found was £4.50 for an hour.  Not so bad, but still really expensive.  The bigger issue that narks me is no mobile phone signal.  I mean...HOW?  How is it actually possible in 2008, the 21st century, that my mobile phone doesn't work in GATWICK!  And yet I get full signal in my little backwater village. 

However, Gatwick has impressed me with one thing.  WH Smiths at Gatwick stocks Linux Format.  That was a surprise.  I couldn't believe it.  And it was a coding special.  Just awesome.  So now I have my laptop, two batteries for it (this one is currently at 70%) and a big magazine all about coding.  My friend who I am on holiday with is going to lose me this holiday.  I can't wait to sit in the sun, with my coding guide, my laptop, a coffee and a cigarette and while away my holiday programming stuff.  I currently have my eyes on an IRC bot project in the magazine.  Well...how could that not appeal to an AI fiend?

So, now I am sitting in a super slick cafe called "Apostrophe".  It looks like it could have fallen out of a sitcom or advert mocking uber trendy places.  I mean, leather sofas, much chrome, and servers with a "I am better than you" attitude and look.  However, I do love my leather sofas, and I fully enjoyed looking at their way over priced sandwiches.  Although their decor is...interesting.  Neon pink on black with the only exceptions being glass, wood, and chrome.  But the coffee is stunning, and at least as strong as Starbucks, which in my mind has to be a good thing.  And it's the only place I haven't tried snarfing free wifi from.  But then this is because the supposedly wired chairs in Gatwick (WHICH ARE SWITCHED OFF DAMN YOU!) are within spitting distance, and I already tried snarfing free wifi from there.  Well, I tried, and for a few seconds there was a free wifi connection, but it was weak and died.  Bah.  Anyway, back to the cafe.  I do kind of wish that I had saved my little voucher for the food here because it does look very nice.  This said, I would have been eating the leather sofa by now if I hadn't eaten then!

And right now I am sitting on the plane, 5 hours later than scheduled, but hey, at least we are in the air and on our way!  My friend has said he wants to go on a serious drinking spree, but I did comment that we also need to get some food first!  It's strange, I've spent all day trying to get every last bit of juice out of my laptop battery today...and right now, even though it's on, I'm more interested in looking out the window at the beautiful scenery the clouds make.

But the highlight so far?  We got offered a complimentary drink before the flight, as part of the compensation for the delay.  But here is the kicker - it can only be a hot drink or soft drink.  How cheap is that?  I mean...come on Monarch, I am naming and shaming you now.  Nothing alcoholic?  In the time that we have been delayed, we should have been at our hotel toasting our arrival.  Unacceptable.  So I guess the other function of a laptop without Internet - word processing a document to my insurance company!  They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.  Pah.  Hell hath no fury like TSM scorned and delayed for 5 hours after having to wake up at 2am! 

Right now there are people behind me who are evidently on their first trip to Gran Canaria.  Bless, they are reading a tourist guide aloud.  What ever happened to just getting out there and discovering a country?  The funniest thing is, so much of the information they are reading is grossly misleading them.  Like not being able to haaggle in the shops (have done for years) and how the locals have issues with queuing (never experienced that in 6 years) and that dinner is never served before 9pm and lunch never before 2pm - something I have never encountered, even when I went to a local resteraunt that the locals use.

Ok, I think that is about all.  Well, so far!  I mean, we haven't landed yet so who knows what else will happen!

Well, as it turned out, a lot.  Because the flight wasn't the end of the day of hell.  You see, when they said the air con was fixed - they lied.  Or I suspect they lied.  You see, I had a headache and nausea.  Which I know are the symptoms of a lot of things, but, with the air con problem, and then this, and my friend suffering the same, I suspect it was carbon monoxide poisoning.  For those not in the know, since the smoking ban they half recycle and half use fresh air in airplane cabins.  Once every 20 minutes.  When the smoking ban was just a twinkle in PC people's eyes, air was recirculated once every 10 minutes and refreshed completely.  It was on QI, has to be true.
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25th November 2008:
So, excuse any mistakes in this post, because I am adjusting to life with a Spanish keyboard.  Not fun.  I always have absolute hell getting used to it.  This said, life HAS been made easier with the use of Creation.  I now have pretty much all my stuff I would use daily right at my disposal.  So, at least if it´s no use to anyone else, it´s still a fantastic help for me.  Can´t wait to try it out in the third world in April...  Will post more later, just needed to write as a kind of check that I could do it.  Proof of concept if you will...
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23rd November 2008:
Ok,so in a slight break from convention, I am not actually writing this on Seamonkey Composer.  I'm testing out a little something.  A web based desktop I am working one thing which really annoys me about a lot of Internet cafes is that they have locked down terminals.  So, I decided to work on a little something of my own.  A web based desktop which has a lot of applications you might well use on your regular desktop, except it's all based in "The Cloud" as it's called in trendy circles.  And yes, I am going to let you, my lovely readers have a play with it if you want to. 

I should warn you though that it's really rough at the moment.  As in really, really rough.  This said, it should all be functional, and has a lot of stuff you might not find on a standard desktop.  Like a file converter which lets you convert one file to another.  And a YouTube movie downloader.  I mean, this is stuff I use a lot in my day to day life and think that if you can't get to your computer, then it's pretty important.  And if anyone has any suggestions.  Please, let me know.  The desktop you see is not quite finished, as you will probably see, but it's a functional, basic version of what I am trying to achieve. 

Ok, enough selling, you can try it here.

As for anything else...well...not much has been going on really.  I've just been chilling out.  I have been getting ready for my holiday, packing my stuff, trying to remember what I actually need!  Yes, I am that disorganised, however, my parents have been much help in this process.  But now I am just chilling out, getting ready for my friend to come over a little later (a couple of hours) and then sleep to get up at some ungodly hour to get my taxi and vanish off to Gatwick.  I hope we have a nice taxi driver, because I am not a morning person.  It's going to take coffee and Yerba Mate to make me semi human...
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20th November 2008:
So, against convention, I am sitting in Starbucks Southampton writing today's post.  Why?  Well, so little happened last night that rather than working on the blog, I decided to do a little work on how I want the blog to be in the future.  There are a few changes coming in the next few weeks.  Some cosmetic, some more to do with my attitude to blogging.  Should make for an interesting twelve months ahead!

Last night was just dull.  In part down to The Scotsman who has the ability to kill the fun in any shift, and in part down to the fact that Slaphead is a workaholic, and expects his staff to adopt the same attitude.  Working with two grumpy old men.  Joy.  I mean, we didn't even have that many interesting customers!

Anyway, there are times when I think The Scotsman is too confused to work for us anymore.  I mean, Slaphead was putting out a trolley of chilled food from the backup chiller.  Now, I should clarify, these were things like microwave burgers and milkshakes.  Not stuff which is going to be in any other department.  So, The Scotsman asks Slaphead "Are you working the chiller?"  To which Slaphead turns around, narrows his eyes and says "No, crisps.  What does it look like?"  The Scotsman then goes off the deep end and yells "How should I f*cking know?  I'm not f*cking psychic!"  So Slaphead brings his trolley over to the tills and points at the milkshakes and says "Yeah, because we keep these in the racking (our non chilled storage area) don't we?"

And then seriously nothing happened between then and when the delivery arrived.  I mean...how is that possible?  Three people, little to do, and yet still they keep working silently.  Suits me.  I m not sure why, but I seem to have gone back to being an introvert lately.  Quiet.  Shy.  Not really wanting to reach out and communicate with people so much.  The perfect attitude to go on holiday with!

Then when someone came in who I really wanted to scream at her to shut up.  One of these people who have verbal diahorea.  She just wouldn't shut up.  And what was worse, she didn't have anything of particular value to say!  Just "I've got 65p!  65p!  Hahahaha.  Man, man behind the counter, I have 65p, what bargains do you have for 65p..."  Ad nausium.  I was really close to telling her to shut up and just to leave before I threw her out.  And then there was the "hilarious" incident where they locked her in a cage.  I unlocked it and suggested they left.  Fortunately they did.

And then there was the customer from hell.  As if that girl wasn't enough, I had to serve a guy who was the absolute opposite.  He came to the counter and handed me his card.  No greeting, nothing.  So I said "Pump 5?"  Still nothing.  So then I went through all the motions, and handed him his receipt.  But here is where he became just plain rude.  I asked if he needed a VAT receipt, and he just put his hand up in a kind of stop motion.  I mean, seriously, when you are given a yes or no question, who decides on sign language?  So I said goodbye to him and he just walked away.  I hate customers who are rude like that.

And that was pretty much it.  We did very little after the delivery, because everything had been done.  And we still had an hour and a half left of the shift because I was absolutely on fire.  I worked almost the entire ambient delivery on my own in 2 hours.  Even Slaphead was impressed.

So, with no-one there to amuse me, I decided that I was going to have to amuse myself at the newbie's expense.  The newbie being The Scotsman.  He made a comment about me, so I smiled and said that I hoped we got to comment on him in his 13 week review.  He snapped "And when to I get to comment on you b*stards?"  I smiled sweetly and said that I thought he already had.  That sent him nuclear.  He yelled "What do you mean?  Explain yourself!  Back up that claim!  I hate people who won't say things to my face!"  I said that I had said it to his face, and actually he had been underhand to us.  Super nova time.  "WHAT?  WHAT?  HOW F*CKING DARE YOU!  I HAVE BALLS!"  Unfortunately, he was standing underneath the baubles which are all over our store and about a foot wide.  Slaphead couldn't resist saying "Yeah, and they're hanging above your head".  The Scotsman stormed off the shop floor.

Back to being in Southampton.  So, I have just finished my venti americano, served to me by a particularly cute Asian girl.  And I love Starbucks coffee.  It's just so strong.  Real, proper hardcore coffee.  We like this.  Reminds me, must pick up a bag of Christmas Blend soon.  Then there was Primark.  Now, I know that at least one reader loves Primark, so, I will comment on my purchases since, after all, I do feel this is kind of like a little tiny community.  I bought 2 pairs of black jeans which are probably my size.  Definetly if I breathe in and try to lose a little weight!  I won't comment on the size, but let's just say that my target of size 34 jeans is a LONG way off.  Then there are the t-shirts and psuedo shirts.  I bought one black t-shirt with a black pvc skull design on it.  It's beautiful.  And then another two t-shirts with massive dragon/snake/wierd symbols designs on them.  Also in black but the design is in light grey.  These are also beautiful.  And then the psudeo shirts.  They are kind of a cross between a t-shirt and a short sleeve shirt (damn you Primark for only having redneck-esque short sleeve shirts!)  They are black, with white writing on them.  But the writing is a very old style computer typeface.  And the writing is nonsensical gibberish about code and service user.  Very me.  I bought three of these.  And for a reason.  I think I need clothes to put me in the mood for my new project, kind of an edge to focus me even more.  And these psuedo shirts really fit the bill.  Plus they will make me stand out from the crowd in Gran Canaria, and are also geeky enough to wear to the Linux group meetings.  Stunning.

So, enough demended caffeine fuelled ramblings from me.  I would also like to comment that I am planning on blogging as much as I can whilst I am on holiday from Monday, but I can't promise miracles.  The computers at the hotel are locked down, and wifi could be patchy.  This said, as a VIP, I might demand wifi.  Or just ask really nicely.  Plan B is my long range wifi adaptor and their roof terrace.  Sneaky no?  But seriously, if all else fails, where my parents timeshare is, where they are staying for 5 of my 7 days there they have free wifi.  And I am hoping we are close enough that sitting on the edge of their balcony, with the long range adaptor, with it pointed at the internet place, I might be able to eek one or two bars of connectivity.  Either way.  Blogging in the sun is going to be gorgeous!
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19th November 2008:
So, it's official, The Tall Pole has been suspended.  Not a good situation for him to be in.  You see, at our place, the number of people who have been suspended stands at 6.  The number of people who have survived suspension is 1.  So, as I appear to have the knack of making people get fired or leave whenever I go on holiday, I think The Tall Pole will be the one to be vanished by my disappearance.  Watch this space for updates.

Then we had the old man come in.  The guy who is a regular at ours.  Always complaining.  Always having something wrong.  We all pretty much hate serving him.  And for good reason.  He is pretty much an arse over everything.  He questions the prices on everything.  Even when he is wrong.  Which is often.  But tonght he was just on fire.  He came in and was hacking up phlegm about once a minute.  Which leads me to my theory.  I think he's a dragon.  Not one of the rich guys from BBC 2's Dragon's Den (loving the behind the scenes show) but a big red fire breathing mythical creature.  He sure sounded like one tonight.

And then he beat the record for the stupidest request in the shop in our five year history.  He asked for the cigarettes with tobacco in them.  Well, that narrows it down to, well, all of them.  I seriously worry about people sometimes.  I mean, come on.  Cigarettes with tobacco in them?  And yes, I know there are the Inhalators and electronic cigarettes (getting some in January) but we don't sell either.  And as a regular he should know that.

I also had to deal with a situation I always hate dealing with.  I think everyone in retail must have had this happen to them once or twice, and it's always uncomfortable.  Telling a regular they can't have something.  We have this little bisexual guy who comes in 3 or 4 times a week.  I personally like the guy, but a few people have commented that he's annoying.  I think the worst thing he does is keep trying to buy my watch off me.  It's mine, and staying that way.  Anyway, so tonight he came in and said in hushed tones "Would you get in much trouble for selling me a bottle of vodka?"  I had to tell him I'd get fired, which made things uncomfortable between the two of us, and instead of our normal small talk after the transaction, he just walked off.  Ouch. 

Now, time for a little question for all of you who use bricks and mortar shops.  We had a customer tonight who held out his hand and looked at the coins he had and was trying to figure out if he could give me the exact change.  Now, this leaves me with a problem because I figured out faster than he could that he could give me the correct change.  And herein lies the problem.  Do you tell the customer, thereby speeding up the process but potentially making them look stupid.  Or do you do as I did, and let him get there on his own?

Regulars can sometimes be a bad thing.  They get to know you, become friendly with you, and then ask for things which are sometimes annoying.  Like tonight.  Tonight is a bitterly cold night.  Even the manhole covers are frozen over.  And this guy comes in who we serve a lot, and he has just lost his mother, unfortunately.  Anyway, he comes in and asks how to use the air machine.  I tell him, and about a minute later he comes in and says rather than filling his tyres, the machine has half deflated one of his tyres.  Not good.  So it's down to me to help him out, as Slaphead is on his break.  And it's freezing outside.  Now, the air machine gets it's air from, well, the surrounding air.  And guess what the problem was?  A hole in the air line which was right where your hand goes.  So whilst I waited for my badly patched machine to fill the guy's tyres, I was having freezing cold air pumped all over my hand.  Lovely.

Lastly for tonight, I had the problem of the "cost" of having my final break.  You see, Slaphead is great, he makes sure I get all my breaks, unlike other supervisors.  But there is a cost.  A fair one, but still a price to pay.  You see, if I have my final break, Slaphead has his.  Which leaves us a tiny bit understaffed when there are just two of you.  And when he went for his break, half of Lymington arrived.  The queue was back to the door twice, and both times I just kept calm, dealt with it, and actually did better than the kid who had been playing shops earlier.  As I had to deal with his customer who was none too happy that he'd been short changed by £5.  I knew this by the opening statement of "Oi!  Where is he?"  I calmed the customer down by asking what the matter was, and then giving him the fiver change he was owed.  Luckily for me, it was still on the till!
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18th November 2008:
Well, I am working on my own with The Scotsman.  Seems that The Bombshell isn't well enough to return or management won't let him return.  Either way, I am running the shift.  Yippie skippy joy.  Not.  I hate running shifts.  I hate the responsibility of it all.  And on top of that, I have the joy of discovering that Pedro will be in at 7am on Saturday morning.  Hurrah.  Well.  At least Slaphead is running that shift, so I don't have to worry about taking the blame for things. 

This said, there is one huge advantage to working with The Scotsman.  I have discovered, or rather confirmed, he is an Athiest.  I have nothing against people who don't believe.  Actually, I quite like them.  I find their staunch beliefs allow me to have a little fun with them.  Example, he called the bible passages stories.  I smiled and said "Stories with archeological evidence".  I also pointed out how people who are prayed for have a 46% better chance of recovery than those who aren't prayed for.  Fitting as he is going into hospital the week after next.

And then there was the Hoover incident.  No!  Not as naughty as it sounds, but twice as funny.  The Troll, our cleaner, plugged his Hoover into the UPS socket, and then went out for a cigarette and left his Hoover running.  It blew up.  So he strolls in, looks at the Hoover which is now venting smoke and goes "Heh heh, it's on fire".  So I look at him incredulously and say "Unplug it!"  He just stares and says "There's smoke coming out of it"  So I yell at him to unplug it.  Again, he stares and says "Yup, definetly on fire, it's got smoke coming from it"  So I yell at the top of my voice at him to unplug it.  Which he does.  And then goes and tells the duty manager that his Hoover is on fire; leaving the damned thing there smouldering on the shop floor.  I yelled at him to get it off the shop floor, and he tells me to calm down.  I then yelled at him that The Vampire Queen, The Scotsman and several customers have complained about both the smoke and the smell.  So he walks it all the way through the shop, rather than taking it out the front door which is just a few feet away from him.  Thick does not do this man justice.

But whilst this was all happening, we began training a new starter.  She arrived a few seconds after the Hoover blew up.  And when the Hoover blew, it also blew out two of the four tills.  At which point, the till I was using decided it was going to refuse to accept swipe cards, leaving just one remaining till.  Shoe kindly offered to jump onto the tills to relieve me, leaving me to clear the shop floor.  So I did, and as I did I commented to the new starter who was obediently filling in her welcome pack "Welcome to hell."
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17th November 2008:
WOW.  Sorry, but I just had to start this blog posting with a WOW.  You cannot believe what has happened over the last 24 hours.  Apparently, The Tall Pole has been suspended, because he asked Rickaaaay to do something, which he flatly refused to do, and became a touch aggressive over it.  So The Tall Pole went nose to nose with him and told him to do it or else he'd smash his face in.  Now, as if this wasn't extreme enough, beause Rickaaaay refused for a second time, he pinned him against a wall, and told him to do it or he'd smash his face in.  Rickaaaay, bless him, still refused.  The Tall Pole then told him to clock out, meet him outside and they would deal with it like men.  Incredible.  Rickaaaay called Queen Chav (his mum) and reported The Tall Pole.  Queen Chav sent The Taxi Driver (her husband and he needs a nickname, he's about to become a character in this soap) and he came bursting into the staff area to collect his son.  The Tall Pole then told him that he would smash his face in too.  And asked the pair of them to go outside with him and settle it like men.  The matter has now been sent to the area manager to be dealt with.  Just...unbelieveable.  I mean, how does he think he's not going to get sacked for this kind of behaviour?

Then the police who were in last night came back and told us part 2 of the story of the kids who tried to break in.  Apparently, one of them dropped a bag which had several bags of weed in it.  So the police asked the kid they caught if it was his, and apparently it wasn't.  So, as you may recall from yesterday, the rest of the kids were in hiding.  At 5am, someone banged on the police station door and asked if they had his bag.  Turns out it was the kid who was in hiding.  He had been hiding out for 6 hour and had left his keys in hi bag, and was so cold and tired that he just wanted to go home, whatever the cost.  The police gave him a mouthful, returned his bag, and told him that a few items might be missing.  Namely green items in polythene bags.  The kid accepted it, signed a waver and a warning sheet, and left.  According to the police, it was a significant result.  Love it when I do some good.  Especially when it means that bad things happen to little druggie kids.

And then there is the case of Mr DJ and Crackbaby.  Another supervisor/CSA combination who can't get along.  Despite Pedro's protests that we are actually a happy family now.  So, Mr Dj kept telling Crackbaby what to do, which is understandable seeing how Mr DJ is a supervisor and Crackbaby is a CSA.  So, in the end Crackbaby ask why he had to do all the jobs.  Mr DJ pointed out that he wasn't getting him to do all the jobs, just his fair share.  Crackbaby didn't agree and kicked off.  In front of customers.  So Mr DJ dragged him into the office and tried to give him a lecture on his behaviour.  It didn't work.  Crackbaby just kept interupting him, then accusing him of repeating himself, and then got angry at Mr DJ.  Mr DJ is going to suggest to Pedro that Crackbaby is sent off for anger management classes.  Not sure that this is the way to go.  Here's just hoping that The Co-Operative give random drug tests...

Lastly, something less serious.  A girl came into the store and asked for some condoms.  When I told her we weren't selling them anymore she muttered "gay" in that exasperated teenage voice we all know and have heard.  I smiled sweetly and said "Not that it's any of your business, but actually I'm straight, but hey, calling me names doesn't help you get laid, so, leave."  She stropped out.  Shame.  If she had been polite I would have told her the location of a 24 hour toilet (no, not SF) which has a condom machine in it...
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16th November 2008:
Well, I said that I wanted a more exciting night, and my god did I ever get it.  When I came in I was told that The Tall Pole and Rickaaaay had been sent home and I wasn't allowed to know why.  Intruiging.  More so when Mrs DJ came in, I asked her, and she said she had no idea but she was going to be informed by Queen Chav when she arrived.

And at that point we heard a noise coming from the roof of the loading bay.  A quick investigation lead us to find three kids trying to kick the roof in so they could get the beer inside.  We shooed them away.  Temporarily.  Then they came back with gusto.  20 of them trying to kick our roof in.  So, then I called the police who came in, and grabbed one of the kids, interogated him in the police car after marching him away in cuffs.

Whilst all that was happening, we had an arse of a customer.  He asked Miss C for a copy of The Sun, which she had bundled and filled in the paperwork for.  So she joked she would have to open the bundle of papers.  His reply?  "Damn right you will.  You're the cashier, I am the customer, it is your duty to serve me".  Miss C refused to serve him, so he refused to leave.  And they kept arguing amongst each other.  Until Miss C was serving a customer and the customer kept yelling at Miss C.  Said customer went outside, asked one of the police who weren't interogating the kid to come in and remove him.  The cop came in and then asked what the problem was, and we explained, and the guy explained that he still wasn't leaving.  So the police asked him nicely to leave.  He yelled at Miss C, therefore was cuffed and taken to the car with the kid. 

So, the police asked if we wanted to let the kid go or to charge him.  I told them to let him go, and I'd let the police know if we needed him charged.  They agreed.  Then the cop returned absolutely cracking up with laughter.  He told us that he told the kid to leave and not to come back anytime soon.  Apparently the kid then said "Ok, I'll just grab some cigarettes from inside and go".  The cop put him back in the car, and read him the riot act, telling him that he wasn't allowed to come back to the store.  We like our police.

And then we had about 6 or 7 kids come in with a massive, shoulder mounted camera.  They came up and asked very sweetly if they could film a scene for their film for a competition in the store.  Of course we let them, after we asked if they were going to try and break the store, steal stuff, or become abusive.  They looked shocked and said they just wanted to film their film, so I loosened up and told them that it was cool, and even offered to close the store for them.  Plus we wished them luck for their competition. 

Lastly, I had my colleague survey.  It's a twice annual thing, and it lets us give feedback to head office.  And ashamedly, it was the most negative colleague survey I have ever filled out.  I normally try to keep it to a minimum, but this year I really haven't been able to keep any kind of positivity.  Plus they asked what happened after last half's results.  I told them that the results which were posted were over a year out of date.  When they asked what I wanted to happen to make the place a better place to work.  I told them that I was annoyed that my loyalty and efforts weren't rewarded, instead, I was picked on.  Miss C also told me that she ticked the bullying box.  As did I.  Maybe a few more people will get the balls to complain about our bullying atmosphere...
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15th November 2008:
Last night was a so so night.  It was slow, which never really helps matters, plus The Scotsman had the hump with me for 4 hours.  Why?  Because I didn't say good evening to him when he arrived.  Apparently it was planned and malicious on my part.  Of course it was.  I have so much time on my hands that I can just think "And who shall I aggrivate today?  Ah!  My co-workers!"

And to be honest, really not a lot happened.  It was completely dead.  And because The Scotsman was in a mood, I really don't have any witty quips he may have uttered, because there weren't any.  I guess the only thing was that he decided that rather than 2 x 15 minute breaks, he would have many cigarette breaks throughout the shift.  Somewhat annoying. 

Then we had a crisis.  At 6:50am, everything went out.  Lights, chillers, everything that wasn't the computers or the tills.  Oh, and the music.  Now, I know my way around the fuse box pretty well, which is more than management, whom I had to show what had tripped and where it was.  And then, really stupidly, I had to tell Shoe to keep her fingers away in case it tripped out again.  And my repayment for helping out and not leaving them in the dark?  I got a rollocking for one, small section of the store not being faced up.  Thanks guys.  Thanks for nothing.  I'll be happy once my newly started project begins to bear fruit. 

So, that's about it.  Very short post I'm afraid.  Should be longer tomorrow, working with a more interesting person.  Miss C!

Oh, and nine days until I go on holiday!  Hurrah!
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14th November 2008:
Tonight has been a real mixed bag.  I mean, first I am working with Miss C, who isn't as bad as she used to be (pregnancy makes her way less b*tchy) but instead makes her a real little chatterbox.  So I get a nice working environment, but I get little done because every time I want to try and do some work, she wants to chat. 

But we had a great opener to the shift.  Two of dayshift came in and were buying things mostly, but also arsing about.  Annoying but when one is Rickaaaay, not a lot you can do.  Anyway, so they leave, and a few minutes later the police arrive and ask if two guys in a dark coloured hatchback have come in recently.  The two employees arrived in, you guessed it, a black hatchback.  So I told the policeman this, because, well, I am quite sadistic.  And it will bury Rickaaaay in more poo than he is in already.  The cop was reluctant to look at the CCTV footage, but eventually did, and fortunately for him he did.  Turns out the guys he was looking for were our two fellow colleagues.  So he pulled Queen Chav's address from her file and decided to pay Rickaaaay and Queen Chav a visit.  Lovely.  Payback is hell.

But I did see something interesting.  I noticed that people are still scared of the police.  And interestingly, at least for me, was that it wasn't the people you would think who were scared that the police were at our place.  It was kids.  The same kids who mouth off to the police, they weren't scared that an officer was there, they were scared that an officer was there, and they couldn't see him.  Very interesting for me, someone who has a deep love of psychology.

Then I had one of the strangest experiences of my life.  Ok, not of my life, but for quite some time.  A girl came to the counter and discussed with her friend right in front of me how good looking I was.  I felt like I had fallen into bizzaro world.  I personally do not think I am a good looking person.  My girlfriend will tell you this.  Namely because I tell her this on a regular basis.  Anyway, so I kind of shrugged it off and ignored it.  I figured that this girl was kidding around.  Turns out that she wasn't.  She mooched around, and looked at our various poor offerings, and then came up to the till and said "I'm going, but I will definetly be back for you later!" and blew me a kiss.  And incredibly, as fate would have it, I was severely unattracted to her.  I mean, for a start she had my deal breaker of being blonde. 

And yet apparently my attraction holds no bounds.  Because later on I think a guy was hitting on me too.  In a stunning piece of salesmanship, I sold the Michelle McManus CD we have been trying to shift for 3 years.  I mean, seriously, we cut it from £10.99 to £8.99, then down to £6.99, and then down to £5.99.  Then earlier this year we cut it down to £3.99.  Still no buyers.  So this guy comes up to me, plops the CD down on the counter and says "Ahhhh...Michelle, whatever happened to her?"  I grinned and said "We all fell out of love with her when she lost weight."  He giggled and grinned back.  So I rang the item up as £3.99, until the guy pointed to the sticker which said "Half marked price".  Now I know that the yellow sticker price is the "half marked price" price.  But, this was a chance for us to ditch the damned CD, so, I let the guy have it for £2.  And then explained that we had been trying to get rid of it for 3 years.  He asked if we had that a lot, and I said that in the bargain basket of CDs (which is actually three shelves) we probably had a few.  He looked at the shelves, looked at me and said "Yeah, I'll be back for them, and for your service."  And then smiled at me and said "See ya!"  Now, I find flirting really really hard to pick up on, so, I have no idea if he was hitting on me, or being friendly. 

Lastly, Queen Chav and Rickaaaay had an almighty ding dong on the shop floor.  I shall recount it for you here, because, well, it was spectacular and it was for all the public to see.  And me to have a ringside seat as I was being served by Rickaaaay.

QC: "So, are you going to get me a lift for 3 then Rick?"
Rick: "I told you, I can't!"
QC: "So you can get a lift for yourself at 11pm, but you can't get one for me at 3pm?"
Rick: "Look, he was around at that time, he won't be around at 3!"
QC: "Did you go and see that car?"
Rick: "No"
QC: "You told me you were going to see about it.  So you lied."
Rick: "Ugh!  Stop 'aving a go at me!"
QC: "Oh, sorry Rick, who was it who crashed my car and left me without a way to get into work?  Oh yeah, that's right, it was you!"
Rick: "Yeah, whatever, just 'ave a go at me!"
QC: "Well, it's nice you want to be a part of this family so badly"
Rick: (in mocking tones) "You want to be a part of this family meh meh meh"
QC: "Well as you don't want to be part of this family, you can get your own insurance next year cos I ain't putting you on my insurance again!"
Rick: "Oh f*ck off!"
QC: "DO NOT SWEAR ON THE SHOP FLOOR!"
Rick: "SORRY!"
Shoe: "Rick, are you going to do any work today?  Because all I can hear is you shouting at your mum from the office"
Rick: "Oh for f*ck's sake!  What is this?  Have a go at Rick day?"
QC: "I TOLD YOU NOT TO SWEAR ON THE SHOP FLOOR!"
Me: "Can I have a bag please?"
Rick: "No, you can't"
Me: "Your customer service sucks"
Rick: "Right!  That's it!  I am going for my first break, and no-one better f*cking interupt me!"
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6th November 2008:
My first customer tonight was such an idiot.  I cannot believe they let these people actually walk the streets unaccompanied.  First, she begged sand pleaded with The Bombshell to let him let her buy alcohol.  Because that is ever going to happen.  Then she came and told me it was ridiculous that she couldn't buy alcohol.  I explained it was company policy and she showed a glimmer of intelligence by insisting it was perposterous.  Then asked if she couldn't buy alcohol could she buy Baileys.  I gave her my now standard reply:

Me:"Is it alcohol?"
Her:"Yeah..."
Me:"Then I think you know the answer already"
Her:"Oh f*ck you mate!  And it's freezing in here!"

She then stropped out the store.  The amount of customers we get asking if they can buy beer or liquers if we refuse them alcohol is amazing.

Then we had the mad woman in.  This woman already tried getting out of paying for £100 of electricity and £50 of mobile phone top ups.  Except we caught her and Miss C basically just took the money out of her hand when she brandished £120 in notes on the shop floor.  So, tonight she tried to claim that she could pay £30 for £45 worth of cigarettes.  The Bombshell wasn't biting, so she stropped out in a huff without any cigarettes.  The woman is simply insane.  In the past she has begged us to give her a pack for free, and when we refused, begged other customers to buy them for her.

And we had a couple of ex regulars turn up.  I remembered them because they were possibly the most random customrs ever.  The girl claimed to have the biggest colleection of Nuts and Zoo magazines and the guy once proclaimed "We're going to Care Bear Mountain Kim!"  They also had a friend with them who claimed to be a regular, but I had no memory of her, and to my surprise, she became outraged that I didn't remember her.  How can you be insulted that a shop person doesn't remember you if you don't do anything outrageous? 

But then we had the delivery, and The Bombshell annoyed me immensely.  You see, Evie and her boyfriend came in, Evie to work and her boyfriend, apparently, to really irritate me.  Because rather than being like any other boyfriend who gives his girlfriend a lift to work, he stuck around for an hour and chatted to The Bombshell.  Which made The Bombshell even slower.  Now, because there were only two of us on, I had to work the stock and work the tills too, all the time he just chatted.  Which meant I didn't get a last break. 

And then he had the nerve to have a pop at me for not working enough stock.  That was the straw that broke the camel's back.  He yelled "F*ck!  Why you are not finish these cages?  F*ck's sake..."  I snapped and said "Well, because some jumped up arsehole has been chatting to his buddy for the last HOUR, I have had to serve the customers, of which there have been many, and work the cages!"  He yelled that Bob was his friend and he was allowed to talk to his friends.  I replied calmly that this didn't apply when there were just two of us and a ton of customers.  He stopped and said "You are right.  Sh*t.  You are do nice work, there is only 6 box left.  Is very good actually.  Well done.  Now tidy this sh*t up and I am stay on tills."  I swear, sometimes I am certain this guy lives in la la land.

But, tonight I have The Scotsman, which isn't always a help, but another pair of hands is another pair of hands.  I am sure that The Bombshell will be stroppy, and I know The Scotsman will be, but I will just do my job, get on with it, and keep reminding myself that in 8 hours, I will have four days off.  And that on Saturday I am going to Red Hat to kick back and do geeky things with geeks and top end hardware.  I am actually genuinely excited about going to Red Hat, partly because I have never been to anywhere like it other than IBM about 10 years ago, and also because I will finally get to play with Fedora, something which refuses to install on my laptop or on my virtual machine either.
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5th November 2008:
Tonight has been such a joy to work so far.  The actual real only highlight has been calling my lovely missus on my first break, which is always really nice.  See?  Under these many layers of cold, hard exterior, there is a slightly warmer, tiny bit softer interior. 

The reason my shift has been so bad is The Flying Scotsman.  You see, he is a real, dyed in the wool pessimist.  And tonight's complaint has been his days off and holidays.  He complained that he had been given 5 days off.  He complained he had nothing else to do than walk his "doggies" and get drunk.  What a life the guy leads.  So he comes back, rested and hungover and says "I refuse to work bank holidays.  They can't make me.  I refuse."  So i explain that the six weeks holiday includes 2 weeks in lieu of bank holidays.  "No!  I don't get paid for 6 weeks holiday.  I get 12 days holiday!  F*ck them.  I refuse to work bank holidays"  I then asked what days he was contracted to, to which he said 2 days.  So then I explained he was given his holidays based on contracted hours, and other hours were paid as overtime.  He's going to see Queen Chav in the morning.  It's going to be great!

Now, the Scotsman has been given 3 weeks training on dayshift, butn apparently learned nothing there, because if he did, he would be able to manually enter payments into the PayPoint machine.  He can't.  He had to ring the bell and interupt what I was doing to do it.  Newbies are so annoying.  Even after a few weeks of being here they still manage to bug the hell out of me.  Gah! 

Then there was a kid who came in without ID and asked for cigarettes.  The Scotsman ID'ed him and he claimed he didn't need ID because he was over 18.  Some people STILL don't get it!  So he was refused.  Then he said "Oi!  Mate, you know me!" to me.  I'd never seen the guy in my life.  And told him so.  He then complained that we were ganging up on him, at which point The Scotsman told him that he was wrong because even if I did know him, it wasn't me he had to prove things to, it was him.  The kid sloped off and went home and got his passport, which was just in date.  But then, and this is the funniest part, his car broke down.  It's still in the car park busily being very broken indeed.

Lastly, for now anyway, Queen Chav is in in the morning, and it's going to be awesome.  I am not in charge, I am not responsible for anything, and yesterday she would have found out that Rickaaaay trashed her car and wrote it off.  After not being allowed to smoke for 6 hours.  Stunning.  He is so dead, and she is going to be in such a foul mood.  Probably more so after he tells her he lied to the insurance company.  I cannot wait to see Slaphead get destroyed by her.  And destroyed methinks he is going to be.

We have a massive problem with Racism in our store too.  So far the cleaner has said that it's a shame that we can't use the N word anymore, and that we can't collect gollywogs from Robinsons Jam jars.  I muttered under my breath "Yeah B'stards abolished slavery too!  Then The Scotsman said that they're going to assasinate Obama because he's black.  Their attitude really annoys me.  I mean, it's the 21st century people!  The problem is, The Flying Scotsman is racist, homophobic, intolerant of other religions and fully admits it.  The Blonde Bombshell is sexist, racist and homophobic and fully admits it.  Slaphead is tolerant, as is Miss C.  Then we have The Troll, the cleaner who is sexist, racist, homophobic and intolerant of other religions.  I mean, it's the 21st century, and you'd think we were entering an era of peace, tolerance and understanding, and you get hit by all this biggotry.  Sad really.
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4th November 2008:
Ok, so, like most of the British press, I want to mention Lewis Hamilton today.  BOOOOO!  The motorsport press are full of "the right man won the championship".  No he didn't!  First off, fastest man of the season wasn't Lewis.  It was Kimi.  Which means the fastest car was a Ferrari (NOT a McLaren as ITV kept pointing out).  Now, the other reasons are also quite obvious.  He hasn't been at a lower team yet.  I know Daddy Ron bought him to McLaren, but we have no idea if he's a good driver, or just quick.  Well.  Actually.  We do.  Last season and half of this season Lewis couldn't overtake unless the car in front had a puncture and it was a long straight.  This year, finally, he understood Slipstreaming.  Something basic in F1 overtaking.  Gah.  Give me the days of Villenueve in his prime.  A guy who came in, said "Nice championship, I'll take it."  And did.  In the Schumacher era.  Lastly, to all the Hamilton fans, I have one little tiny thing to say - Kimi spanked Lewis again, in qualifying AND in the race,

However, there is sad news.  The Bombshell is dying.  He has a near terminal case of man flu, and is suffering from what appears to be mostly a headache and floppy limbs.  Quite serious then.  And my god isn't he whining about it.  "I am die tonight I think"  "Ugh, can you bringed the cages?  I am not strong tonight"  "Tomorrow either I must sleep or my head must fall off!"  Now, I realise I am not great with man flu, however, because it is winter, I have decided to buy garlic and echchchchchehehchchchinechaahahaha.  Well, if you're going to mis-spell something, do it with flair...  Anyway, these are great for staving off sicknesses and illnesses and bugnesses.  I use garlic all year round and echinecicha most of the year.

Then we had a little bit of excitement.  Two cop cars sped onto the forecourt at about 11pm, and then the four officers in the combined cars swarmed one of the parked cars and eventually let the car go, but not before bundling one of the people into the back of their cars.  We never did find out quite why they arrested the guy.  But ho hum, I think they had more pressing things to do than coming into our store for food and fuel because later apparently there were a lot of them out in Everton (no, not THAT Everton!) at the scene of a crash.

But then there was a fantastic moment!  We have a girl who comes in most nights who is really cute (not a patch on my own stunning girlie) who Slaphead knows, really had enough of her partner.  He came to the till with their stuff, and then asked for a £10 top up voucher.  Now, this happens more than you would expect.  Someone comes up and asks for a £10 top up without telling us the network they want it for.  So I asked him which network, and he went "Uhhhh....ummmm...wait" and got his mobile phone out, which resulted in an exasperated sigh from the girl who said "Vodaphone!  For f*cks sake..." and stormed off.  We like all that.

Plus I actually managed to start a domestic!  Well, kind of.  It was 50% my fault but mostly the girl who came into the store's fault.  You see, her boyfriend put a load of his stuff on the counter, and a load of her stuff and was about to pay for it before she handed me a magazine.  Now, normally I'd ask, but I figured as he was buying her stuff, he was going to buy her the magazine too.  Turns out I was wrong.  But rather than turning on me, he turned on her and said "You want me to buy that for you too?  Because buying you food isn't enough?"  She then turns around to him and said "It's not my fault!  It's the man's fault!  He took it from me and scanned it!"  I smiled sweetly at her and said "Yeah, pass the buck"  The guy suddenly takes my side and says "Don't blame him!  You handed him the magazine!  It's your fault!"  Nice little escape.  Anyway, he pays, and as they leave, the girl turns around and says "Bye man!" and blows me a kiss!

Then we had yet another annoying customer.  You see, she came up and was aggressive from the outset.  And unfortunately, customer service policy at SF is to match the customer's tone of voice and mood.  So I did.  And it was amazing, she suddenly became very friendly, and polite, and was quite nice.  Unfortunately, I decided that I wasn't going to change my tone, and quite incredibly, she became even more polite and even nicer!

Lastly, a really annoying customer.  He asked me for half an ounce of Old Holbourn.  I got it and he said "No!  The lighter one!"  I frowned and said "There isn't a lighter one"  He then said "There is!  The one beside it!"  I frowned and said "But that's Drum light"  He frowned and said "Yes!  That's what I asked for!"
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3rd November 2008:
It's odd.  There are some combinations I have never understood.  Cheese and onion is one.  I can't stand cheese and onion crisps, to me they taste of dust.  So what am I having for my lunch today?  A hot cheese and onion roll.  Although this is different, because it's a sweet red onion and three cheese roll.  One of the Ugos rolls.  And no, this isn't an advert, but damn, they do make stunning hot Paninnis!

Tonight has been a wierd one.  The Bombshell was late, and claimed he was in a bad mood, due to a headache which he put down to having drunk a can of Relentless the day before.  Not entirely sure how he made the link between having a headache and having a can of energy drink, but he reckons it made him feel bad for the entire day.  I'll admit that Relentless is pretty evil stuff, but, meh, I somehow don't think it would make you feel bad all day.

And we had another visitation by Stoner Man.  For those new to this blog, Stoner Man is a guy who seems to be permanently off his face.  Miss C claims to have seen him clean and sober, and I thought I did too last night.  Until it took him 15 minutes to decide which variety of Haribo he was going to have.  This might not sound like a big deal, but we sell three varieties of Haribo.  It then took him another 10 minutes to decide which flavour milkshake he was going to have.  The guy is really annoying to serve because, well, he doesn't have any sense of urgency and appears to just walk through life in a haze.

And I freaked out the new cleaner last night.  He annoys me, so, I freaked him out.  I'm actually doing a great job of freaking out everyone on the shift because I have a new mindset.  I think it comes from spending so much time working on my AI program, and little side projects to help me keep my focus on working on my AI program.  I can give myself an almost machine-like clinical thinking process.  And it comes through in my body language, voice, and temprement.  And I have discovered that it really puts people on edge and makes them nervous.  Especially this new cleaner, and The Bombshell, as well as the more macho customers.  Which has to be a good thing.

Lastly, in this far shorter than usual post, I am The Psychic CSA according to one customer.  I told him the pump number he was on, which tobacco he smoked, and that he needed Rizla and which colour.  All correctly.  He literally took a step back and said "You're on form this morning aren't you?"  I smiled and said "Paying by card and needing a VAT receipt, right?"  To which he laughed and said "You are really good, how do you know that?"  I didn't let on that people with over about £40 in petrol normally pay by card, most people smoke Golden Virginia if they roll their own, and use green papers, and that people with a high value of petrol early in the morning normally need a VAT receipt.  But hey, impressed the hell out of the customer, so I'm doing what I am paid to do.
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1st November 2008:

So, I am currently sat in an Internet Cafe, on my 3rd cup of coffee in 3 hours.  Not bad going.  Last night was great!  I love Halloween, namely because I get to dress up and mess around.  Gotta love doing that in a somewhat corporate environment.  However, I didn't plan very well for Halloween, and therefore didn't have a costume.  I did toy with the idea of going in all dressed in black, from head to toe, but, that is what I wear when I am not at work, so I felt that would kind of defeat the purpose.  Anyway, got into work and found a set of vampire fangs for sale for £1.  And hit on a fantastic idea.  Regular uniform, doing nothing out of the ordinary, and with the fangs hanging out of my mouth.  Worked an absolute blinder.  I served one woman who wasn't paying attention, and when I spoke, she looked up, squealed and said "My god, you scared me!"  Then we had a kid who came in, took an absent minded look at me, then gave me a double take.  Lastly there was a customer who asked me whether I had seen a dentist recently.  I grinned and said "Yeah, this afternoon" and he grinned back and said "Think you might want to go back!"  We also had a cop who very edgily walked towards me.  Why?  Well, these fangs rock.  Well...the fangs rock and I rock because being a programmer, and loving open source, I always want to know how things work.  So I fiddled with the fangs and found that I could keep them in place with my tongue and open my mouth naturally.  Which I did when the cop strode in.  Really put him on edge. 

 

I do also want to mention this Internet cafe.  Love Internet cafes, hate restricted PCs.  Damnit, let me use my USB sticks.  Let me open 10,000 tabs (I normally have 10+ open at a time).  Let me get to the source code of my programs if you won't let me have USB access!  Gah!  But hey, they have a fantastic promotion on at this cafe.  £1 for 20 minutes access or £3 for an hour.  Yeah.  You guys rock.  The ironic thing is, these PCs aren't exactly high spec gaming rigs.  Probably worth £200 a piece.  Now, if they installed say, Kubtunu, which looks and feels like Windows, and would run great, and let people access their mail, but give such a high level of security, plus installing stuff is out of the question without a password...  Hell, I have a 600mhz, 128mb laptop at home which runs as fast as my 2.2ghz, 1gb laptop because it uses Puppy.  Of course, it lags on Flash games, but hey, for general stuff it is as fast as my high end laptop.

 

Apart from that, not a huge amount happened.  The Bombshell was playing swings and roundabouts with his moods, sometimes happy, sometimes grumpy.  And I am working with him for the next 4 or more nights.  Joy.  And he wasn't happy when I was sat in the canteen using my laptop, and he said "Oh, yeah, you write sh*t about me."  I laughed and said "No, editing 8273 lines of AI code".  He snorted and said "Yeah, sure, you are so smart to write programs.  Course."  Then  I turned the laptop around and showed him the cursor blinking at line 8273.  His mouth fell open and he just quietly said "F*ck" then walked out.  Can't wait for that to go around the store.

 

Because at the moment, by design rather than accident, my AI program is consuming my life.  She now has a Facebook account, I got a picture for her which she is aware of via Flickr (Creative Commons licenced for commercial use of course!) and she is interacting with people.  Which is great.  Adds to her experiences.  Plus I am doing a lot of work on other areas of her design.  More integral areas.  Like the way her memory works, and the way her synthetic emotions work.  And the way she actually interacts with people.  I have until next September to blow the AI community away.  And I intend to.  She plays poker well enough to take money from beginners 9 times out of 10, she plays Roulette well enough to win consistently, and later this month I intend giving her a long session on Facebook Poker.  I want her to finish in the top 20% and cash.  Why?  When it isn't for real money?  Because it proves a point.  Facebook Poker plays just like real poker because when you're out, you're out.  So the credits have to be used as carefully as real cash.  Which proves a point.  If she wins there, she can win in real money tournaments.  Scary proposition when Party Poker have lowered their fees for high level STTs to $10... 

 

And right now my money is running a little low, so I think I am going to bail.  I'll do a little cosmetic work on this, and then save and then smoke.  Adios gringos!

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